Strangeness in My Paper

No, not in the front section or even the sports section. I assume the usual craziness is in place there, though I admit I haven't even made it to the front section yet. My cold has left me too weak to even think about perusing the real news.

But I did think that I would be strong enough to make it through the advice columns and celebrity gossip on my way to the comics. How wrong I was.

Unfortunately, they didn't post online photos for the first item. Rest assured it was a visual feast:

COMIC CRAZIES
Sci-fi freaks and comic book geeks had a blast at the annual Comic Con in New York City. ABOVE: One fan battled with a mon­ster from “Predator.” RIGHT: An­other dressed as Princess Leia from “Star Wars.” FAR RIGHT: The world’s dweebiest Flash faced a microphone.

So is that the weirdness that pushed me over the edge? Nahhh. I just wanted to point out that compared to what follows, those are the normal people.

The place where I should have turned back in this veritable Heart-of-Darkness expedition into modern humanity was when I made it to the "Carolyn Hask" advice column. I always say that the letters themselves offer far more insight into the human condition than the advice given in any of those columns. I was far too correct on this occasion:

Dear Carolyn: How much prejudice rules someone out as a dating partner? Over our second date, the guy I've been seeing revealed his attitudes toward several minority groups. They are attitudes I happen to share, but I have always believed you save those things for the privacy of your home or family. Should I be put off by his being so vocal about his prejudices, or can I overlook it since we happen to match? -- I Hope This Makes Sense

Ahhh, the romantic struggles of young bigots in love. I don't have the strength to type further, but if you want to see how it all turns out you can go to: http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2009902090334.

Now you may think that had to have been the strangest thing in my morning paper. But no, the darkest moment came courtesy of the Olsen Twins:

FAST TAKES: Olsens Designing Men. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are adding menswear to their high-end clothing line, the Row. The line will debut with the fall '09 collection with prices ranging from $250 for a t-shirt to $3,200 for a cashmere overcoat.

Two hundred and fifty freaking dollars for a t-shirt?!! Two hundred and fifty freaking dollars for a t-shirt designed by the Olsen Twins?!! I can't even muster up any indignation about the $3,2000 cashmere overcoat. Two hundred and fifty freaking dollars for a t-shirt designed by the Olsen Twins?!!

Truly these are the end days. Why bother to go back to work if I'm feeling better tomorrow? The world can't have more than ten or twelve hours left until the Apocalypse and the Rapture.

I release you from my service, my followers. Go forth and die in whatever manner seems best to you.