The Lost Souls Fantasy Football League 2011 Preview

Howdy everybody, and welcome to the Lost Souls 2011 Preview!

Will United Loonies, Inc., repeat as the playoff champion? Will the Death Mutants continue their incredible run of regular-season points championships? The numbers (courtesy of David Dodd's stats forecast on Footballguys.com) don't lie.  But they have been known to shade the truth a bit on occasion.  This time they forecast a new King of Lost Souls and a closer title race than ever before.  Indeed, it looks as if nearly everybody could make a run at the title this year.  So without further ado, it's on to the show!

2011 Forecast Rankings
1. The Wraiths, 11-1, 89.4 ppg.
2. Death Mutants, 10-2, 88.5 ppg.
3. United Loonies, Inc., 8-5, 86.7 ppg.
4. Puking Buzzards, 7-6, 85.6 ppg.
5. Sirenian Sisters, 6-6, 82.9 ppg.
6. Rapid Molasses, 6-6, 82.1 ppg.
7. Custom Critters, 6-6, 81.4 ppg.
8. Spaz Corps, 5-7, 79.9 ppg.
9. Screaming Babies, 5-7, 79.7 ppg.
10. Savage Iguanas, 4-8, 77.0 ppg.
11. Howling Huns, 3-9, 73.4 ppg.
12. Spandex Stallions, 2-10, 71.9 ppg.

1. The Wraiths, 11-1, 89.4 ppg.
QB - Drew Brees (346.6 pts.), Jay Cutler (267.4 pts.), John Beck (92.3 pts.)
RB - Ray Rice (245.8 pts.), Rashard Mendenhall (220.5 pts.), Mike Tolbert (131.9 pts.), Demarco Murray (85 pts.), Marion Barber (78.8 pts.)
WR - Vincent Jackson (181.1 pts.), Brandon Lloyd (158.3 pts.), Dez Bryant (155.4 pts.), Mario Manningham (145.4 pts.)
TE - Aaron Hernandez (111 pts.), Dustin Keller (94.4 pts.)
K - Nate Kaeding (130 pts.), Shaun Suisham (116 pts.)
D - Philadelphia Eagles (160.3 pts.), Arizona Cardinals (51 pts.)

Break up The Wraiths! The projections forecast a new King of Lost Souls!  We shall see whether they can really knock off the Death Mutants, but Ray's team is a legitimate title contender led by studs QB Drew Brees, RBs Ray Rice, RB Rashard Mendenhall, and WR Vincent Jackson. The Wraiths also benefit from strong depth at QB, RB, and WR, the potent Philly defense, and top kicker Nate Kaeding bringing up the rear. This team looks good from top to bottom, and they look deep enough to weather the bumps and bruises of the season.  We could be witnessing the dawn of the next Lost Souls dynasty.


2. Death Mutants, 10-2, 87.5 ppg.
QB - Sam Bradford (292.1 pts.), Blaine Gabbert (78.4 pts.), Peyton Manning (???.? pts.)
RB - Adrian Peterson (245.5 pts.), Steven Jackson (202.2 pts.), Mark Ingram (178.6 pts.), James Starks (108.6 pts.), Ben Tate (60.6 pts.)
WR - Andre Johnson (200.4 pts.), Larry Fitzgerald (178.8 pts.), Austin Collie (128.8 pts.), Jacoby Ford (114 pts.)
TE - Antonio Gates (135 pts.), Lance Kendricks (80.8 pts.)
K - Stephen Gostkowski (127 pts.), Garrett Hartley (61 pts.)
D - New York Giants (131.3 pts.), Atlanta Falcons (107.3 pts.)

The numbers had already forecast a fall from the top spot for the Death Mutants before today's neck surgery put Peyton Manning out for most of the year.  Now, it's time to see how Plan B(radford) goes.

Maybe years of anti-Bryan legislation have finally taken their toll.  Or perhaps it's just roster neglect from a sleep-deprived father of twins.  Whatever the cause, the Mutant dynasty is suddenly vulnerable thanks to Manning's neck injury, aging RB Steven Jackson, TE Antonio Gates's sore feet, and suspect kicking and defensive squads.  Will the Mutant King be toppled?  Bryan hasn't had to scramble mid-season in quite a while. Stay tuned, fasten your seat belts, and hang on tight to your stud QBs. It's gonna be a bumpy ride!


3. United Loonies, Inc., 7-5, 86.7 ppg.
QB - Michael Vick (367.1 pts.), Matthew Stafford (302.4 pts.), Colt McCoy (237.1 pts.)
RB - Frank Gore (208 pts.), DeAngelo Williams (179.3 pts.), Marshawn Lynch (156.8 pts.), Willis McGahee (103.3 pts.), Bernard Scott (97.4 pts.)
WR - Dwayne Bowe (163.5 pts.), Reggie Wayne (145.3 pts.), Sidney Rice (113.5 pts.), Mike Williams SEA (89.5 pts.)
TE - Vernon Davis (121.9 pts.), Jared Cook (92.1 pts.)
K - Adam Vinatieri (114 pts.), Robbie Gould (105 pts.)
D - Pittsburgh Steelers (183.3 pts.), Miami Dolphins (81.3 pts.)

Poor Loonies. Always forecast to at least be a bridesmaid. Always doomed to mediocrity.

2010 was an exception to that rule, however, as the Loonies rallied late last year to win the playoffs after a disappointing regular season. In theory the addition of high-scoring paragon-of-virtue QB Michael Vick could lift the Loonies to their first regular-season championship.  In reality the Loonies will get four total games between Vick and QB2 Matthew Stafford, leaving 3rd-stringer Colt McCoy to lead the Loonie squad for most of the season.  Beyond the looming QB debacle the entire Loonie squad is flush with injury-prone malingers. Even K Adam Vinatieri missed 10 games on the DL in 2009. Let's face it, I'm screwed.  Andrew Luck, here we come!


4. Puking Buzzards, 7-5, 85.6 ppg.
QB - Philip Rivers (350.8 pts.), Joe Flacco (280.8 pts.), Andy Dalton (206 pts.)
RB - Darren McFadden (211.2 pts.), Matt Forte (200.5 pts.), Daniel Thomas (101.9 pts.), Michael Bush (92.2 pts.), Stevan Ridley (65.3 pts.)
WR - Roddy White (184.7 pts.), Kenny Britt (141.5 pts.), Steve Johnson (140 pts.), Marques Colston (122.5 pts.)
TE - Jason Witten (124.3 pts.), Jermaine Gresham (80.2 pts.)
K - Lawrence Tynes (111 pts.), Dan Bailey (106 pts.)
D - New York Jets (160.3 pts.), Indianapolis Colts (73 pts.)

The Buzzards look set to make another strong run this year, led by the studly quartet of QB Philip Rivers, RBs Darren McFadden and Matt Forte, WR Roddy White, and TE Jason Witten.  If those four live up to expectations this is another squad that could make a run at the title.  If not, well then the buzzards will be circling high above ... er, the buzzards. (Do they do that? It seems awfully cannibalistic.)


5. Sirenian Sisters, 6-6, 82.9 ppg.
QB - Ben Roethlisberger (320.9 pts.), Mark Sanchez (276.6 pts.), Shaun Hill (17.1 pts.)
RB - LeSean McCoy (217.7 pts.), Maurice Jones-Drew (215.2 pts.), Jonathan Stewart (112.3 pts.), Jerome Harrison (72 pts.)
WR - Hakeem Nicks (181.5 pts.), Santonio Holmes (153.6 pts.), Santana Moss (130.2 pts.), Lee Evans (100 pts.), Chad Ochocinco (96.5 pts.)
TE - Marcedes Lewis (103.8 pts.), Chris Cooley (59.4 pts.)
K - Jason Hanson (111 pts.), Jay Feely (101 pts.)
D - New England Patriots (146 pts.), San Diego Chargers (115.7 pts.)

After several good drafts the window of opportunity is wide open for the Sirenian Sisters.  QB Ben Roethlisberger "With Cheese", RB LeSean McCoy, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Hakeem Nicks, and WR Santonio Holmes all look poised for career years.  This could be the year that the Sisters vault to the top.  (Note to Self: Conduct investigation into why Monique picks good players off my draft lists, while I pick crap. Second Note to Self: Be sure to give Monique bad Yahoo rankings for her draft next year. Third Note to Self: Be sure to delete these "Notes to Self" before posting this preseason writeup where she can see it.)


6. Rapid Molasses, 6-6, 82.1 ppg.
QB - Matt Ryan (297.4 pts.), Ryan Fitzpatrick (214.2 pts.), Alex Smith (191.4 pts.)
RB - Jamaal Charles (244.1 pts.), Peyton Hillis (214.5 pts.), Chris Wells (171.2 pts.), Montario Hardesty (69 pts.)
WR - Greg Jennings (168.6 pts.), Miles Austin (162.3 pts.), Mike Thomas (119.8 pts.), Greg Little (83.5 pts.), Antonio Brown (65.6 pts.)
TE - Brandon Pettigrew (91.5 pts.), Todd Heap (58.7 pts.)
K - Sebastian Janikowski (110 pts.), Matt Prater (98 pts.)
D - New Orleans Saints (130.7 pts.), Chicago Bears (124 pts.)

The Molasses look like another squad that will be a serious title contender again this year after finishing 2nd in total points in 2011.  There's a lot of young studliness on this squad in the form of QB Matt Ryan, RBs Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hills, WRs Gregg Jennings and Miles Austin, and TE Brandon Pettigrew.  (Hmmmn ... here we have yet another wife who's drafting acument his weekend has again proven she knows more about fantasy football than her husband.  Gentlemen, it's apparent to everybody that we all married up without ceding fantasy football, too.  Please, pick up the pace. Men everywhere are relying on you.)


7. Custom Critters, 6-6, 81.4 ppg.
QB - Tom Brady (359.6 pts.), Donovan McNabb (230.4 pts.), Jake Locker (25 pts.)
RB - Ahmad Bradshaw (190.2 pts.), Reggie Bush (164.4 pts.), Joseph Addai (139.6 pts.), BenJarvus Green-Ellis (122 pts.)
WR - Mike Wallace (168.7 pts.), Julio Jones (126.2 pts.), Jeremy Maclin (117.8 pts.), Nate Burleson (103.3 pts.), Plaxico Burress (101.3 pts.)
TE - Owen Daniels (117.3 pts.), Visanthe Shiancoe (61.5 pts.)
K - Alex Henery (123 pts.), Connor Barth (102 pts.)
D - Green Bay Packers (158.2 pts.), Dallas Cowboys (89 pts.)

The Critters look like another team that could make a run at the title. Any squad with QB Tom Brady is always going to be a contender, but they'll need better-than-expected seasons from some of their other players to get over the top.  Fortunately for Critter fans everywhere, the roster features a lot of players with upside this season. It seems likely that two of their four RBs (Bradshaw, Bush, Addai, and the Law Firm of Benjarvus Green-Ellis) will manage to outproduce their projections.  There's crazy upside between their young WRs (Wallace, J.Jones, and Maclin) and their savvy vets (Burleson and Plax), and TE Owen Daniels spent the preseason as everybody's fantasy sleeper darling.  At worst, the Critters look like a team finally ready to move out of the second division.


8. Spaz Corps, 5-7, 79.9 ppg.
QB - Aaron Rodgers (380.4 pts.), Matt Hasselbeck (213.3 pts.), Colin Kaepernick (34.6 pts.)
RB - Chris Johnson (240.8 pts.), Fred Jackson (164.2 pts.), C.J. Spiller (108.8 pts.), Pierre Thomas (105.9 pts.), Thomas Jones (81.2 pts.)
WR - DeSean Jackson (147.1 pts.), Wes Welker (135.5 pts.), Lance Moore (113.8 pts.), Steve Breaston (75.2 pts.)
TE - Rob Gronkowski (115.8 pts.), Heath Miller (78.4 pts.)
K - Neil Rackers (116 pts.), Dan Carpenter (102 pts.)
D - San Francisco 49ers (109.2 pts.), Tennessee Titans (62 pts.)

The Good: Two top-shelf studs: QB Aaron Rodgers, RB Chris Johnson.
The Bad: Suspect starting production at WR1, WR2, TE, and Defense. Suspect depth at QB and RB.
The Spazzy: Weird Al Yankovic with his finger in a light socket.


9. Screaming Babies, 5-7, 79.7 ppg.
QB - Matt Schaub (301.6 pts.), Eli Manning (286.6 pts.), Vince Young (40.9 pts.)
RB - Arian Foster (235.9 pts.), Felix Jones (196.1 pts.), Jahvid Best (173.4 pts.), LaDainian Tomlinson (84.9 pts.), Kendall Hunter (57.2 pts.)
WR - Brandon Marshall (145.3 pts.), Percy Harvin (137.7 pts.), Mike Sims-Walker (110.8 pts.), Braylon Edwards (94.7 pts.)
TE - Jermichael Finley (130.3 pts.), Zach Miller (81.0 pts.)
K - Josh Brown (104 pts.), David Akers (96.0 pts.)
D - Detroit Lions (113 pts.), Tampa Bay Buccaneers (101.3 pts.)

Who'd have thought it? Eli is the right Manning to own this year. The End Days are nigh, my friends.

Beyond their backup QB, there's a lot to like on Chris's improving roster, starting with QB Matt Schaub.  But there's also a ton of injury potential with red-cross question marks around RBs Arian Foster, Felix Jones, Jahvid Best, as well as all four WRs: Brandon Marshall, Percy Harvin, Mike Sims-Walker, and Braylon Edwards.  If the pieces fall into place, the Babies could scream up the rankings.  But it's more likely that they'll end up in the diaper dumpster.


10. Savage Iguanas, 4-8, 77.0 ppg.
QB - Tony Romo (353.9 pts.), Matt Cassel (246.8 pts.), David Garrard (188.4 pts.)
RB - LeGarrette Blount (189.1 pts.), Shonn Greene (171.7 pts.), Cedric Benson (161.6 pts.), Ricky Williams (81.1 pts.), Shane Vereen (46.2 pts.)
WR - Calvin Johnson (197.5 pts.), Malcom Floyd (111.8 pts.), Robert Meachem (97.5 pts.), Deion Branch (85.7 pts.)
TE - Jimmy Graham (109.3 pts.), Tony Gonzalez (91.4 pts.)
K - Mason Crosby (129 pts.), Rob Bironas (103 pts.)
D - Kansas City Chiefs (60.3 pts.), Oakland Raiders (59 pts.)

Incredibly enough, a case can even be made for the Savage Iguanas to lizard their way back to fantasy relevance in 2011.  QB Tony Romo, RBs LeGarrette Blount and Shonn Greene, WR Calvin Johnson, TE Jimmy Graham, and K Mason Crosby could all be top players at their positions.  But there's a problem in a WR2 position that looks like a committee of Malcom Floyd, Robert Meachem, and Deion Branch.  And the KC/Oakland combination at defense is the poster child for this year's "Draft Duds Not Studs" campaign.

Ron, you shoulda persisted.  If you had just tried to draft Chris Johnson a few more times this year, I'm sure that Bryan would've eventually put him on your squad!


11. Howling Huns, 3-9, 73.4 ppg.
QB - Josh Freeman (302.2 pts.), Cam Newton (232.2 pts.), Chad Henne (181.5 pts.)
RB - Michael Turner (196.2 pts.), Knowshon Moreno (167.3 pts.), Delone Carter (90.9 pts.), Roy Helu (76.5 pts.)
WR - Mike Williams TB (157.4 pts.), A.J. Green (124.9 pts.), Steve Smith CAR (110.1 pts.), Michael Crabtree (77.3 pts.), Emmanuel Sanders (52.8 pts.)
TE - Kellen Winslow (94.2 pts.), Greg Olsen (80.7 pts.)
K - Billy Cundiff (113 pts.), John Kasay (58 pts.)
D - Baltimore Ravens (132.3 pts.), Carolina Panthers (62.7 pts.)

The current state of the Huns can only mean one thing: Bryan, you need to start doing more household chores so that Cynthia can get back to concentrating on football!  This looks like a rebuilding year for the Huns, much as it will be for her beloved Panthers.  Cynthia's going about it the right way with a lot of youth with upside on the squad: QBs Josh Freeman and Cam Newton; RBs Knowshon Moreno, Delone Carter, and Roy Helu; and WRs Mike Williams (the good one from TB), A.J. Green, Michael Crabtree and, Emmanuel Sanders.  There may be a future in Hun-dom, but 2011 looks like a lost cause.


12. Spandex Stallions, 2-10, 71.9 ppg.
QB - Kevin Kolb (272.4 pts.), Jason Campbell (248.7 pts.), Kyle Orton (225.8 pts.)
RB - Ryan Mathews (170.0 pts.), Tim Hightower (159.8 pts.), Brandon Jacobs (142.1 pts.), Ryan Grant (132 pts.)
WR - Anquan Boldin (138.7 pts.), Pierre Garcon (123.2 pts.), Johnny Knox (107 pts.), Hines Ward (95 pts.), Derrick Mason (72.6 pts.)
TE - Dallas Clark (120.0 pts.), Fred Davis (78.7 pts.)
K - Matt Bryant (111.0 pts.), Josh Scobee (109.0 pts.)
D - Minnesota Vikings (108.3 pts.), Cleveland Browns (56.7 pts.)

My mother always told me that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. So, here goes.  Well, um ... TE Dallas Clark would've been good if Peyton Manning wasn't broken.

Oh, Susan, Susan, Susan. I can only imagine you were hoping the lockout would continue well into the regular season so that you wouldn't have to roll this motley assortment onto the field.  On the bright side, Spandex Stallions fans around the globe congratulate you on your clever strategy of locking up the Andrew Luck draft pick this early!


And that's the 2011 preview.  Have a fun season everybody.  And remember, friends don't let friends trade their stud QBs to Bryan.

And now, the post that *nobody* wants to read. We present your 2011 Gabbling Gadwalls!

Hurrah! It's time for my annual recap of my draft in the HQ Forum Masters fantasy baseball league, which took place Sunday evening in cyberspace with participants from as far away as Hong Kong.

(Yes, Susan, you're excused now. You can move on to somebody else's blog.)

For anybody still left ... anybody? Anybody? ... Well, we shall push on nonetheless.

As most of you all know, I like my fantasy sports, and my favorite of all is baseball, mostly because it has such a statistical bent. Really, a fantasy baseball team is like a 23-part Sudoku with groin strains. Most of what I know about spreadsheets, databases, Excel functions, and statistical analysis I have learned via fantasy baseball.

This particular fantasy baseball league that I play in was put together six years ago by some of the regulars on the forums over at BaseballHQ.com, a fantasy baseball analysis site that I like to read and on whose boards I've probably posted more than my fair share of geeky fantasy baseball comments. I joined it after its first year. This league is the closest thing to an "experts league" that I'll ever play in -- several of the competitors genuinely get paid to write about fantasy baseball. In five years I've won it once, finished in the top four four times, and never finished worse than 7th out of 15 teams. (Last year I was as high as 2nd place with 48 hours to go, but faded to 4th at the finish. Sigh.)

One of the fun things about the league is that we usually write up post-draft recaps of our own drafts. It's fun to see what people think about the team that they just picked the day before, and it's also a good way to learn the different way that people look at what is essentially an identical statistical problem: pick the 23 players (27 with reserves) who give you the best chance to amass the best statistics in: runs, home runs, RBIs, stolen bases, batting average, pitching wins, saves, strikeouts, earned run average, and WHIP (walks + hits / innings pitched.)

And so, without further prelude, here's the 2011 post-draft recap of your Gabbling Gadwalls!

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I nearly always seem to have a late pick in this draft, and this year was no exception. With the 11th pick this year, I figured I'd probably stick with my usual strategy of picking up positional value where I could find it. And so it always seems like I'm drafting nothing but catchers, pitchers, and the occasional middle infielder in the early rounds. In truth, I'd be happy to take studly 1B and OFs early, but the truly studly ones are usually gone by the time the 11th pick comes around. And so I take value where I can find it; scrape together a corner infield, outfield, and bullpen from the dregs; and hope to come out with enough productivity, balance, and depth to be able to work the category standings with in-season moves.

Usually it works out okay for me during the season, and at least puts me in position to compete for a top-three finish. I also made a conscious decision to roll the dice on some injured and injury-prone guys this year, since we'll have an unlimited DL for the first time. Yes, that's right. All those other years that I had old, injury-prone players it wasn't even on purpose.

Was all of this a good strategy this year? We shall see.

Here's the blow-by-blow:

1.11 Mauer, Joe C MIN - Yup, I'm going with a top catcher in the first round yet again. Mauer's a bit riskier than I'd like, given his knee trouble this Spring. But I figure he'll DH if he's not catching, which'll work out fine. I figured all along it would come to a choice between Mauer and Tulowitzki here, and thought really hard about Tulo, but I just couldn't quite find the love. Undoubtedly this is the year Tulo wins his first NL MVP.

2.5 Lincecum, Tim SP SF - I had really hoped that A-Rod would slip to me here, but he went three picks earlier. Then I thought I had clicked on Roy Halladay in my queue, but he had just been picked. This was okay, though, because I was quite happy with Lincecum. I liked the statistical impact of the top three pitchers (Halladay, Lincecum, and King Felix) better than the impact of any of the hitters (Werth, Bautista, Choo) available here.

3.11 Reyes, Jose SS NYM - He's gotta stay healthy some year, right? Right?

4.5 McCann, Brian C ATL - Yup, it's another "two top catchers" draft for me. Coming into the draft I wanted two of the top five catchers (Mauer, V-Mart, McCann, Posey, and Santana) if I could swing it. McCann was the last of those five on the board, and I was happy to grab him, since I ranked McCann a smidge over the two sophomore catchers because of his track record. The dropoff was steep after those five, and I really wanted no part of any of the catchers outside of the top eight.

5.11 Hart, Corey RF MIL - The first of many already-injured players I would draft. Hopefully he'll be back soon to give me some of productivity I gave up by drafting catchers and a starting pitcher early.

6.5 Young, Michael 3B TEX - Just a good value pick here, especially because 3B is so shallow this year. This was the first sign that my batting lineup was going to be the fantasy baseball equivalent of the Washington Redskins "Over the Hill Gang" of the 70s.

7.11 Hunter, Torii CF ANA - Not really "Old Reliable" any more. Mostly just old.

8.5 Carpenter, Chris SP STL - Oooh, an old pitcher. That should balance my old hitters.

9.11 Pierre, Juan LF CHW - Too much value to pass up here, even though he only helps in three categories (R, SB, BA) and hurts in two categories (HR, RBI). This is a seriously power-deficient lineup so far.

10.5 Lee, Derrek 1B BAL - Ahhh, an old 1B. Welcome to the Senior Citizens' Dugout, Mr. Lee. Your training table is waiting.

11.11 Street, Huston RP COL - Just for a change of pace from the old and injury-prone guys, I anchor my bullpen with a young and injury-prone closer. Street was the 14th closer off the board. I had to skip the run on genuinely good closers because I was too busy making up for my C,SP,SS,C start in the first four rounds.

12.5 Infante, Omar 2B FLA - Looks like a productive value with a full-time gig. Does this pick look better if I call him an All-Star 2B? No? I thought not.

13.11 Nishioka, Tsuyoshi 2B MIN - Rolling the dice on the Japanese import to close out my middle infield. He looked good in Spring Training. I'm kinda pleased with this pick. That can't bode well.

14.5 Ordonez, Magglio RF DET - Ahh, yes, back to our core competency: old and injury prone.

15.11 Lyon, Brandon RP HOU - Oooh, look! A guy who's not really injury prone! Of course, he's not really good, either.

16.5 Ibanez, Raul LF PHI - Funny story. I tried to draft Trevor Cahill with this pick because I was seriously deficient in starting pitchers by this point. Alas, my draft window had locked up, and no matter how many times I tried to pick Cahill, it just stared back at me, unmoving. So instead I had to watch helplessly as the autodraft picked Ibanez off the top of my queue, where I had innocently stashed him for my next offensive pick as part of my ongoing effort to acquire old and injury-prone players.

Funny.

You know, like getting a sharp stick poked in your eye is funny ... to a bystander.

This may work out okay, though. Ibanez has what I desperately still needed at this point: power. And he probably wouldn't have lasted much longer. My outfield consists of five guys aged 28, 35, 33, 37, and 38. The 28-year-old is the one starting the season on the DL. I can't possibly imagine what can go wrong with this plan.

17.11 Arroyo, Bronson SP CIN - He's not good, plus he has mononucleosis. But I missed out on the last good or healthy starting pitcher long ago.

18.5 Peavy, Jake SP CHW - At least he'll start the season on the DL, where he can't hurt my pitching stats too much. Lord only knows what he'll do when he finally steps on a mound.

19.11 Bedard, Erik SP SEA - Does it look at this point like I was all about drafting starting pitchers who are injury disasters with upside? 'Cause I was all about drafting starting pitchers who are injury disasters with upside at this point.

20.5 Garcia, Jaime SP STL - Hmmmn ... young, talented. He doesn't belong on this roster.

21.11 Rodney, Fernando RP ANA - This closed out my pitching picks. Oddly enough, I had Rodney queued up and watched a different Angel reliever, Jordan Walden, get picked a few picks before I picked the guy who is starting the season with the closer gig. Rodney has defied implosion expectations before. Perhaps he'll do so again. Or at least maybe he'll chip in a few saves before imploding and wrecking my WHIP. Given my other two closers, another save source to start the season seemed prudent.

This pick filled out my nine-man pitching staff. However, with one starting pitcher already on the DL and the slim odds that all three of my closers make it through the season, there's in-season work to be done on the pitching front.

22.5 Smoak, Justin 1B SEA - I kinda had him up my sleeve to fill out my corner infield. I still like his upside. If he doesn't work out ... well, it was the 22nd round.

23.11 Matsui, Hideki DH OAK - Needed the best available hitter to fill my UT slot. Hideki Matsui was the best available hitter. Usually I don't like to clog up my UT slot with a DH-only guy, but how could I pass up the chance to add an injury-prone 36-year-old to this lineup? Hopefully he'll sneak into five games at OF sooner instead of later, because I desperately need a backup OF.

Reserves:

24.5 Porcello, Rick SP DET - Just rolling the dice on the upside.

25.11 Burnett, A.J. SP NYY - I need the Ks and Ws. As for everything else A.J. has brought the last few years ... well ... um, maybe I can find a few safe matchups for him.

26.5 Guillen, Carlos 2B DET - Picked him up to tuck away on the DL and serve as my backup MI when he's finally back on the field.

27.11 Johnson, Dan DH TB - My Plan B in case Smoak doesn't work out. He should be 1B-eligible after the first week or two. Sure, all he brings to the party are HRs. But this party badly needs some HRs. Normally this would be my Russell Branyan pick, but somebody actually drafted him this year. I've picked up Branyan in the reserves the previous three years straight to serve as my HR-source in the hole. Hopefully Johnson can serve as a poor man's Russ Branyan. I can't believe I just typed the phrase "a poor man's Russ Branyan."

Summary: How do I feel about this draft? Eh, okay, I suppose, but I'm not as fond of the results as I've been some other years. This squad is even more brittle than I had meant it to be, despite my plans to target the injury-prone this year. FWIW, the HQ projections show my starting lineup at 1,092 R, 226 HR, 1,028 RBI, 151 SB, and .288 BA, and my pitching at 86 W, 76 Sv, 1,048 K, 3.59 ERA, and 1.25 WHIP. Those aren't stats good enough to win the league, and the power is decidedly lacking. But it should be good enough to give me a base to improve on, and I don't feel as if I lost the league on March 27th.

What I like: My catchers, Lincecum & Carpenter at the top of my rotation, Bedard in the 19th round, Matsui in the 23rd round.

What I don't like: seven starting batters in their mid-30s, the back end of my starting rotation, dubious bullpen, lack of power.

Roster:
Catcher - Mauer (C), McCann (C)
Corner Infield - D. Lee (1B), M.Young (3B), Smoak (1B)
Middle Infield - Reyes (SS), Infante (2B), Nishioka (2B)
Outfield - Hart (OF)(DL), T.Hunter (OF), Pierre (OF), Ordonez (OF), Ibanez (OF)
Utility - H.Matsui (DH)
Starting Pitchers - Lincecum (SP), Carpenter (SP), Arroyo (SP), Peavy (SP)(DL), Bedard (SP), J.Garcia (SP)
Bullpen - Street (RP), Lyon (RP), Rodney (RP)
Reserves - D.Johnson (1B), C.Guillen (2B)(DL), Porcello (SP), A.J.Burnett (SP)

2010 Lost Souls Fantasy Football League Preview

Hard though it is to believe, another fantasy football season is upon us. And so, without further ado, here are the projected standings for the Lost Souls league.

1. Death Mutants - 11-1, 1557 pts., 97.3 ppg.
2. United Loonies, Inc. - 8-4, 1402 pts., 87.6 ppg.
3. Puking Buzzards - 8-4, 1396 pts., 87.3 ppg.
4. Wraiths - 7-5, 1350 pts., 84.4 ppg.
5. Savage Iguanas - 7-5, 1336 pts., 83.5 ppg.
6. Spaz Corps - 6-6, 1319 pts., 82.4 ppg.
7. Howling Huns - 5-7, 1306 pts., 81.6 ppg.
8. Screaming Babies - 5-7, 1279 pts., 80.0 ppg.
9. Rapid Molasses - 4-8, 1262 pts., 78.9 ppg.
10. Custom Critters - 4-8, 1261 pts., 78.8 ppg.
11. Spandex Stallions - 4-8, 1260 pts., 78.8 ppg.
12. Sirenian Sisters - 3-9, 1225 pts., 76.6 ppg.

(All point projections courtesy of Footballguys.com.)

This season shapes up as the story of Snow Mutant and the Eleven Dwarfs. Bryan has once again put together a powerhouse, while the eleven other teams look more closely matched in talent than ever before. Usually there's a vast pre-season disparity between the contenders and the pretenders, but it looks to me as if everybody has cause for hope this year.

Honestly, you could take my projected 2nd-through-12th place teams, put them in a hat, draw them out randomly, and you'd probably do about as well as this forecast. I know many of you think I do that already, but I assure you that this preview is conducted with the sort of statistical rigor that's usually reserved for rocket science, nuclear physics, and the running count of Lindsey Lohan parole violations.

Let's take a look at the team-by-team outlook:

1. Death Mutants - 11-1, 1557 pts., 97.3 ppg. - Stud City 2010: Bryan brought back QB Peyton Manning, RB Adrian Peterson, RB Steven Jackson, WR Andre Johnson, WR Larry Fitzgerald, and TE Antonio Gates. Yet he somehow managed to weasel his way once again to the #1 overall pick, which he used to add stud rookie RB Ryan Matthews. The Mutants also have some potent protection against the injury bug at their other key positions with QB Joe Flacco and WR Anquan Boldin. Frankly, picking up future Hall of Famer Tony Gonzalez as his backup tight end was just rubbing salt into the wounds.

We've all got our work cut out for us if we're going to catch him this year.

2. United Loonies, Inc. - 8-4, 1402 pts., 87.6 ppg. - The perennially overrated Loonies are probably overrated once again. Some pieces are in place for a potentially good team with QB Jay Cutler, RB Frank Gore, RB DeAngelo Williams, WR Reggie Wayne, and TE Vernon Davis. But the Loonies' WR2 Dwayne Bowe doesn't look like he'll be able to keep pace with his counterpart on the Mutants. And the depth on this roster looks dubious at best with an assortment of bad New England RBs, WRs who aren't even top WRs on their own team, a pre-broken Oakland Raider RB, and QB2 Matthew Stafford coming off an erratic rookie season. The Loonies usually break down early and often, and if The Curse of the Loonies strikes again this year they might fall far and fast.

The Loonies could make a run if Cutler, Bowe, and Miller all post surprising seasons. But it's more likely that backup TE Todd Heap leads a charge to the DL as the Loonies fade back into the pack after a couple of seasons in the top three.

3. Puking Buzzards - 8-4, 1396 pts., 87.3 ppg. - The Puking Buzzards are another squad that looks ready to make a run, thanks to QB Philip Rogers, WRs Roddy White and Marques Colston, and TE Jason Witten. But the running game could come up short with second-tier RBs Pierre Thomas, Matt Forte, C.J. Spiller, and Darren McFadden.

The Buzzards could challenge for the top spot if two of those young RBs break out. However, the outlook at the start is that the inconsistent running game will keep the Buzzards from soaring.

4. Wraiths - 7-5, 1350 pts., 84.4 ppg. - While a dubious running game may keep the Buzzards on the ground, the Wraiths might not have enough receiving talent to break out of the pack. There's a nice, studly base with QB Drew Brees, RB Ray Rice, and RB Rashard Mendenhall. But the WR corps of "The Wrong" Steve Smith (NYG), Mike "Hey, I'm a rookie who was a fourth-round pick" Williams, Dez "Hey, I was a first-round pick rookie who was already injured for all of training camp", and Vincent "Pshht ... rookies. I'm just going to take the whole season off" Jackson could be a real problem. Add in a likely statistical dropoff from TE Greg "What do you mean Mike Martz doesn't believe in throwing to the tight end?" Olsen and a general lack of pass-catching might haunt the Wraiths.

5. Savage Iguanas - 7-5, 1336 pts., 83.5 ppg. - I hope you're all sitting down when you read this: Ron's team could be good again this year. There's a lot of talent with QB Tony Romo, WR Calvin Johnson, WR Randy Moss, and TE Brent Celek. With that start bounce-back seasons from RB Cedric Benson and RB Brandon Jacobs could easily push the Iguanas back into the top three again.

6. Spaz Corps - 6-6, 1319 pts., 82.4 ppg. - The Good: QB Aaron Rogers; RBs Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells, and Justin Forsett; and ace K Nate Kaeding. The Bad: WR1 Mike Sims-Walker, WR2 Wes Welker; TE1 Heath Miller. The Spaz-tic: The Oakland Raiders defense somehow ended up on this team.

Jared may need to fire the interim GM who finished off his draft after he had to leave early. Oh, wait. That was all of us. Good job, folks!

7. Howling Huns - 5-7, 1306 pts., 81.6 ppg. - The Huns aren't really bad, but they don't look particularly good, either. The RB and WR corps looks strong with RBs Michael Turner, Shonn Greene, and Knowshon Moreno, and WRs "The Right" Steve Smith (CAR), Chad Ochocinqo, and Michael Crabtree. But to make it out of the pack they'll need to get unexpectedly good years out of QBs Carson Palmer and Chad Henne; TE Kellen Winslow, Ks Billy Cundiff and John Kasay; and the aging Baltimore defense.

Put it all together and it looks as if the Huns will probably be mumbling this year instead of howling.

8. Screaming Babies - 5-7, 1279 pts., 80.0 ppg. - Chris continues to confound the fantasy football geek-a-razzi by investing in boom or bust players who could lead his team to the top of the rankings or to the depths of the basement. Guys like QB Matt Schaub; RBs Arian Foster, Felix Jones, and Ricky Williams; WRs Brandon Marshall, Percy Harvin, Johnny Knox, and Robert Meachem; and TE Jermichael Finley could all finish anywhere from first to worst at their position. The most perplexing selection of all? The Cleveland Brown defense. What does Chris see that the rest of us don't? Brown fans want to know!

If Chris hits on his picks to click, the Babies might scream up the standings, but this analyst thinks they're more likely to end up with a diaper full of doo-doo.

9. Rapid Molasses - 4-8, 1262 pts., 78.9 ppg. - There's just not enough top-end talent here to project the Molasses any higher. The starting lineup looks like this: QB Matt Ryan or QB Eli Manning; RBs Jamal Charles, Jerome Harrison, or Cadillac Williams; WRs Miles Austin and Greg Jennings; TE Visanthe Shiancoe; K Rob Bironas; and the New Orleans Saints defense. Other than the WRs, this looks like one of the weaker starting lineups in the league.

The slow decline of the Molasses leads us to conclude that Eric has been doing the drafting lately. Stacy, where are you? Your front office needs you!

10. Custom Critters - 4-8, 1261 pts., 78.8 ppg. - The Critters are a second-division team that could surprise us all before the season is over. There's a lot of upside on the roster with QB Tom Brady; RBs Ahmad Bradshaw, Joseph Addai, Ronnie Brown, and Reggie Bush; WRs Santana Moss, Mike Wallace, Terrell Owens, Hines Ward, and Jeremy Maclin; and TEs Owen Daniels and John Carlson. Footballguys doesn't project any of those guys other than Brady for a big season, but it wouldn't be a surprise to see any of those names near the top of the list at their individual positions at the end of the year.

The statistical projections say the Critters will be consigned to the second division, but there's too much talent on this team to really expect a 10th-place finish.

11. Spandex Stallions - 4-8, 1260 pts., 78.8 ppg. - Welcome to the league, Susan. The previous owner of this franchise liked the Raiders. Unfortunately for you, he was the last person in America to still believe in Al Davis's drafting acumen. Oh, so many high draft picks spent on Raider projects. So very, very many high draft picks. Since Paul lives in Detroit, the only other general manager that he had a chance to emulate was Matt Millen. When you think about it that way, following Al Davis's lead seems like a good idea.

There are some genuinely talented players on the newly named Stallions this year: QBs Kevin Kolb and Donovan McNabb; RB Ryan Grant; WR DeSean Jackson; and TE Dallas Clark. It's probably not enough to get them into the top half of the league this year, but at least Darrius Heyward-Bey has been consigned to the bench, and that's a good start.

12. Sirenian Sisters - 3-9, 1225 pts., 76.6 ppg. - Monique continues her rebuilding scheme, now in Year Two of her 10-year plan. Honestly, this was one of the most perplexing drafts I've seen in a while. Her selection of Kenny Britt in the second round wasn't as bad as if she had stuck with her initial impulse of "Ol' One Hip" Sidney Rice, but it was almost as if she just chose Britt because he was 31st on a list of available WRs and she likes the number thirty-one. But that would be ridiculous.

However, her youngster-laden draft did accomplish her main goal of sweeping out the remnants of an aging team some of us had taken to calling the Sirenian Grannies. Now they're more like the Sirenian Justin-Bieber Fan Club. The Sisters may struggle early in the season -- especially with the suspensions of QB Ben Roethlisberger and WR Santonio Holmes, and the PUP stay of injured WR Rice -- but young players like QB Mark Sanchez, RBs Maurice Jones-Drew, Jahvid Best, and LeSean McCoy; WRs Hakeem Nicks, Dexter McCluster, Britt, Holmes, and Rice; and TE Zach Miller might make the Sirenian Sisters the team that none of the top seeds want to face in the playoffs.

... and that's the preview, folks. Don't like what I wrote about your team? You have sixteen weeks to prove me wrong!

The Post That My Sister Susan Demanded!

Hello, blogosphere.

Did you miss me?

As noted by my snarky sister, things have been a bit quiet on the ol' Patio Boat the last couple of weeks. The blame can be set squarely on a combo platter of work, village business, travel, springlike weather, and a brief bout of illness -- with a side-order of two fantasy baseball drafts.

But are these feeble excuses good cause to deny you your (almost) daily dose of ... well, whatever it is that I dose you with? Eh, they'll have to do.

In any case, I'll try to catch back up with events of the last couple of weeks and get back to some more regular posting.

But first, it's the annual post that I know Susan has been anxiously awaiting: the unveiling of the rosters for my two fantasy baseball teams.

Let's start with your 2010 Adirondack Black Dogs. This is the keeper-league team that my brother Mike and I have co-owned for quite a few years in the New England Pine Tar League. The league is one that was started by the pharmacists in the Boston hospital in which he worked before he and Cathy moved out to Wyoming. That move has presented us with a logistical challenge for the last few years because you're supposed to attend the annual player auction in person.

Since there was no way Mike was going to make it to Boston from Wyoming to do our draft this year, I drove out to the draft from Detroit.

Yes, I drove all the way from Detroit to Boston to select players for an imaginary team. My geekiness knows no bounds. (I also took advantage of it as an excuse to swing by Glens Falls for a quick visit, but that's a story for a future post.) Alas, that didn't even win me the award for "travelled furthest to get to the draft" because one guy flew in from California.

Can I prove that I drove out to Boston for this thing? How can you the skeptical Patio Boat reader be assured that I'm not making all of this up, since any sane person born after 1875 or so would've just called in on the telephone?

I present you with photographic evidence, straight from the Dockside Bar in Wakefield, MA. (Curiously, the Dockside Bar isn't located anywhere near a dock, as near as I can tell.)

Indeed, we did have the Tennessee-Michigan State NCAA tournament game on a TV right in the middle of the rosters. As the only Detroiter in the room, I'm sure this was a conspiracy aimed directly at me.

Who says that fantasy baseball's a game for nerdy middle-aged men?

Your faithful bidder. I wore the "Approved by the Comics Code Authority" t-shirt, so that nobody would think I was too nerdy.

Equipped with laptop, cheat sheets, wifi access for the iPod Touch, I rostered ... um, some baseball players. Mike and I spent all of last year rebuilding this team after a 2008 disaster, so we expect to compete for the title this year. Here are the fine gentlemen who will be representing all things Adirondacky or Black Doggish in 2010 (at least until I trade them away for shiny trinkets and beads.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2010 Adirondack Black Dogs:

Batters
C Napoli, Mike (LAA) - A power-hitting catcher.
C Shoppach, Kelly (TAM) - Another power-hitting catcher. A trend emerges at our catcher position. The discerning analyst will note that "a catcher who actually plays" isn't included in either description.
1B Cabrera, Miguel (DET) - Supposedly sober this year. I'm not sure if that will turn out to be a good thing.
3B Kouzmanoff, Kevin (OAK) - The alliteration of his name is probably better than his hitting.
1B/3B Wigginton, Ty (BAL) - Eh, we didn't pay much for him.
2B Izturis, Maicer (LAA) - If anybody knows how to pronounce "Maicer", please send us a note.
SS Pennington, Cliff (OAK) - Marginally faster than Cliff Claven.
MI Sizemore, Scott (DET) - A Detroit rookie that I paid too much for. This is why I couldn't afford any Red Sox for Mike. If he doesn't like it, he can stop using lame-ass excuses like "working 60 hours a week while completing his PharmD degree and taking care of a new baby," and haul his butt out to the next draft!
OF Crawford, Carl (TAM) - He's really, really fast.
OF Podsednik, Scott (KC) - Also really, really fast. Alas, that we usually only see his speed when he's running back to the dugout in shame after yet another strikeout.
OF Cruz, Nelson (TEX) - He's not really, really fast, but he is powerful.
OF DeJesus, David (KC) - He's not fast, but he makes up for it with a lack of power.
OF Sweeney, Ryan (OAK) - Like a slower, weaker David DeJesus.
OF Pie, Felix (BAL) - Mmmn ... pie.

Pitchers
P Baker, Scott (MIN) - A team with Pie needs a Baker.
P Hughes, Phil (NYY) - An utter failure as a starter in 2009. I had to find out if he could do that twice.
P Hochevar, Luke (KC) - Was even worse than Phil Hughes in 2009. Maybe that means he'll be better than Hughes in 2010.
P Price, David (TAM) - The Price was right!
P Porcello, Rick (DET) - A really good Tiger pitcher.
P Bonderman, Jeremy (DET) - Um ... also a Tiger pitcher.
P Gregg, Kevin (TOR) - I didn't really mean to get him, but ended up with him because I accidentally bid too much. Naturally, he's been our best pitcher so far this season.
P Valverde, Jose (DET) - Has already had his first blown save for the Tigers this year. The first of many, I'm sure. Man, I wish blown saves were a category in our league.
P Bailey, Andrew (OAK) - Within 12 hours of getting him, we found out that he had "tennis elbow." This guy is so bad that he's getting injured for the wrong sports!

We also pick some minor-league reserves in that league, too. So here's a list of six guys that you've never heard of:

Minors
1B Smoak, Justin (TEX)(R)
SS Beckham, Tim (TB)(R)
SS Triunfel, Carlos (SEA)(R)
C Tyler Flowers (ChW)(R)
LHP Mike Montgomery (KC)(R)
OF Ben Revere (Min)(R)

How is this motley crew doing so far? Five days into the season they're in first place by more than 25 points. This can only be seen as ironclad evidence of my superlative genius. Anybody who claims it's just an early season statistical anomaly is entirely and completely wrong.

But yes, dear reader, you noted that I said I had two fantasy baseball drafts, and no doubt you're anxious to know about the second team. The second team is in a league called the Baseball HQ Forum Masters league, which is made up of an assortment of guys who post on the forum boards at the Baseball HQ web site. What are we masters of? Mostly fast typing. But the other owners are pretty sharp rotisserie baseball players, and the league includes a few guys who have even been paid to write about fantasy baseball. That makes it about as close to an "experts league" as I'll likely ever get, so I'm inordinately proud to have won this league once and to have finished in the top-three in three of the four years that I've been in the league.

The draft itself is an online draft, so I could've done this one anywhere. I extended my wee visit in Glens Falls by another day, broke out my trusty laptop, and drafted from the dining room table at my folks house -- not ten feet from the porch in which we drafted teams for my very first fantasy baseball league back in 1991.

So, without further adieu, I present your 2010 Mirthful Mergansers

Batters
C Martinez, Victor (BOS) - Really, Mike should co-own this team not the Black Dogs, since I at least managed to draft a member of the Boston Red Sox for the Mergansers. By the way, if you're wondering how Mike views my failed attempts to secure a Red Sox for the Black Dogs? He has already classified my efforts in that league's auction as "an utter and complete failure" ... "a pox upon fantasy baseball and Red Sox Nation" and "a disgrace to all things Adirondacky or Black Doggish."
C Mauer, Joe (MIN) - My #1 pick. An injury-prone catcher. Oh sure, I could've gotten somebody healthy. But what fun is that?
1B Helton, Todd (COL) - First base is traditionally a power-hitter's position. Let's call this an untraditional pick. He makes me yearn for a return of the Steroid Era.
3B Rolen, Scott (CIN) - Kinda like an older and weaker Todd Helton.
3B Kouzmanoff, Kevin (OAK) - It's true. I loves me some alliteration at the hot corner.
3B Glaus, Troy (ATL) - Hasn't played a big-league game since 2008. I like to think he's well rested.
2B Roberts, Brian (BAL) - Is already injured after four games. That certainly reduces the stress I expected to feel this year while I waited for his inevitable injury.
SS/3B Tejada, Miguel (BAL) - Yes, my middle infield consists of two old Baltimore Orioles. This can't possibly work out well for me ... or for Baltimore.
SS/3B Peralta, Jhonny 3B (CLE) - Every team needs the son of dyslexic parents.
OF Lind, Adam (TOR) - May actually be good. Obviously has no place on this roster.
OF Victorino, Shane (PHI) - I thought "Victorino" would evince thoughts of "victory". Then after I picked him I found out it means "little victory." Maybe this means we should aspire for third place.
OF Damon, Johnny (DET) - Well, he used to be good when he was younger.
OF Jackson, Austin (DET) - I figured I had already taken one Yankee cast-off with Damon, so why not go for two?
OF Hunter, Torii (ANA) - I thought this pick meant I had drafted several players named "Torus". It turns out I just got an injury-prone Anaheim Angel.

Pitchers
SP Baker, Scott (MIN) - That's right, his frequent pitching meltdowns are going to cause me double indigestion because he's on both teams.
SP Duchscherer, Justin (OAK) - Best known for having a name that is very difficult to spell. Usually Duchscherer's frequent injuries leave his fantasy owners depressed. Last year he was so injured that he got depressed, too, and so missed the second half of the year with clinical depression. We have a word for that sort of pitcher on our team. We call him our "ace."
SP Halladay, Roy (PHI) - Is actually good. I must have pressed the wrong button.
SP Hughes, Phil (NYY) - Another pitcher on both of my teams. The Yankees decided to keep him active, but to not let him pitch for the first two weeks of the season. This may be a good thing because it limits the damage he can do to my statistics.
SP Kennedy, Ian (ARI) - Joining my Yankee castoff batters, a Yankee castoff pitcher.
SP Pavano, Carl (MIN) - Not so much another Yankee castoff pitcher as he is a "Yankee upchucked and violently ejected with the vomitous sounds" pitcher.
SP Wilson, C.J. (TEX) - Has yet to pitch well enough in the major leagues to earn a name, so he has to make do with initials until he does better.
RP Frasor, Jason (TOR) - The winner of the "closer most likely to get traded to some other team, where he will get demoted to a setup role" competition. When I found that out I thought, "I just have to have THAT guy."
RP Bailey, Andrew (OAK) - Yes, the same injured pitcher that I have on the other team. After I picked him for THIS team it was revealed that he had microfracture surgery and artificial cartillage injections over the Winter. The only reason that I can think of for picking him on both teams is that I must have great faith in Obama's health care reform.

These other guys probably won't play much, but I thought I'd comment on their stinkiness, anyway.

Reserves
1B Branyan, Russell 1B (CLE) - Hit 31 HRs last year, and then got hurt. He's starting this year hurt, so I figure the principles of reflectivity mean that he'll hit 31 HRs after he comes back.
3B Gordon, Alex 3B (KC) - Look, another pre-injured corner infielder!
DH Thome, Jim DH (MIN) - The guy who isn't injured. He also isn't playing very much. But at least he isn't injured.
SS Pennington, Cliff (OAK) - Having him on both teams means that it'll hurt twice as much when he gets sent back down to the minors.
SP Kawakami, Kenshin (ATL) - Has so far proven that he's a bad pitcher in Japan and in the United States.
SP Liriano, Francisco (MIN) - Was really good back in 2006. I mean, he was really, really good back in 2006 ... before the elbow surgery.

How is this motley crew doing so far? Five days into the season they're in seventh place. This can only be seen as an early season statistical anomaly.

Indianapolis Colts, Week 8, in beagle haiku, plus some newspaper whining

Katie the Beagle
Thinks Indy's Niner win is
Nothing to bark at.

--Mary Campbell-Droze


Sadly, these 17 syllables aren't much less informative than the full game report in my Monday paper. Or, rather, in my Monday no-paper, since the Detroit Free Press is only home-delivered on Thursday, Friday, and Sunday, and the paper itself continues to shrink while growing ever-more-expensive at the stands. The dead-tree edition of Monday's full paper ran 30 pages and cost a full dollar.

And for the last week or so their iPhone/Mobile edition has been broken, so that you can only read the top ten or so stories.

Quite honestly, I'm considering replacing the whole thing with a Xeroxed single page of haiku. You may think this is a bad business model, but I don't see how it's worse than building a news business model based on not providing news to your readers. And as near as I can tell, that has become the Free Press's business model.

I was willing to follow them into their digital experiment, since the proposal was that they would provide all the news they used to, just in a different format. But I'm increasingly wondering where the news went.

Media Stardom Looms for the Patio Boat

I thought folks might enjoy this snippet of an e-mail conversation between myself and Bryan Anderson. The conversation started with fantasy football, of course, but eventually led to a statement of a sad but concise truth about our current media culture:


Bryan Anderson wrote:

So, do you think footballguys or CBS (gives worse fantasy football advice?) I'm thinking CBS.


John Magee wrote:

On the fantasy baseball site I subscribe to we have an ongoing thread mocking CBS's fantasy advice.

The real problem is that they obviously have an editorial mandate to add fantasy analysis to every news item, no matter how inconsequential. It's a thousand-monkeys-at-a-thousand-typewriters approach to fantasy analysis.

This means that one day one of them may advise that "Shakespeare is an adequate wordsmith in a good theatre company, but his lack of upside and polish limits him to strictly a role as a Playwright 2 or perhaps a Flex Poet."


Bryan Anderson wrote:

That made me laugh. You are right, but does the editorial mandate extend to saying dumb things?


John Magee wrote:

Saying dumb things is a natural consequence of having a huge space to fill, be it inches of space or hours of airtime, and not having enough smart things to fill that space.

Career success in the modern media seems to have little to do with saying smart and informative things, and is instead predicated upon simply having no sense of shame over the ridiculous things you say to fill three hours of time.

---

Since I obviously have no sense of shame over the ridiculous things I post to fill this blog space, I expect to become a huge media superstar any day now.

Back to Our Core Mission: Outsourced *Beagle* Haiku

This bit of outsourced beagle haiku was contributed by Mary Campbell-Droze in a burst of enthusiasm over the outcome of the Colts at Miami game on Monday Night Football:

Monday Night Haiku Starring Katie the Beagle

Katie the Beagle!
For sure, she was rooting for
Indy the Coltses

Alas, Mary is unaware that the late touchdown that Peyton Manning threw to beat the Dolphins also brought defeat to the Basking Beagles fantasy football team by the narrowest of margins, six-tenths of a point.

Thus, the haiku reply:

Katie is bitter.
Peyton's final TD beat
The Basking Beagles.

How do I know that Katie the Beagle was bitter? I'm almost positive that it took her six-tenths of a second longer than usual to fall asleep.

2009 Lost Souls FFL Season Preview

By no popular demand whatsoever, the Patio Boat presents the 2009 Lost Souls FFL Season Preview!

Projected Team Standings
1. Death Mutants (10-2) 1506.7 pts., 94.2 ppg.
2. United Loonies (8-4) 1383.7 pts., 86.5 ppg.
3. Puking Buzzards (8-4) 1371.8 pts., 85.7 ppg.
4. Howling Huns (7-5) 1321 pts., 82.6 ppg.
5. Savage Iguanas (7-5) 1303.1 pts., 81.4 ppg.
6. Rapid Molasses (6-6) 1279.9 pts., 80 ppg.
7. Spaz Corps (6-6) 1276 pts., 79.8 ppg.
8. Sirenian Sisters (6-6) 1267.8 pts., 79.2 ppg.
9. The Wraiths (5-7) 1255.5 pts., 78.5 ppg.
10. Custom Critters (5-7) 1249.9 pts., 78.1 ppg.
11. Fog Bank (2-10) 1202.3 pts., 75.1 ppg.
12. Cornhole Cowboys (2-10) 1195.6 pts., 74.7 ppg.

Parity seems to have arrived in the Lost Souls Fantasy Football League (LSFFL) this year. The Death Mutants are still the favorites, but the gap has closed. Most astonishingly, the projected gap between 2nd and 10th is just a dozen points per game, and the spread from first to worst is just twenty points. When I started doing these previews the projected first-to-worst gap was usually 40 points. Most astonishingly of all, I think a genuine case could be made for even the projected cellar-dwellars to make a run.

Before we get to the individual teams, let's take a look at the best and worst units in the league. All projections are taken from the Footballguys.com stats:

Best Starters: Death Mutants, Puking Buzzards.
Worst Starters: Cornhole Cowboys, Fog Bank.
Best Backups: Death Mutants, Custom Critters.
Worst Backups: Wraiths, Puking Buzzards.
Best QBs: Custom Critters (Brady, Edwards, Orton); Savage Iguanas (Romo, Warner, Vick).
Worst QBs: Sirenian Sisters (Roethlisberger, Bulger, Culpepper); Cornhole Cowboys (McNabb, Russell, Collins).
Best RBs: Death Mutants (A.Peterson, S.Jackson, C.Benson, D.Brown); United Loonies (D.Williams, Gore, T.Jones, J.Lewis, M.Bush).
Worst RBs: Fog Bank (Barber, K.Smith, J.Jones, Coffee, Greene); Cornhole Cowboys (Lynch, Parker, J.Stewart, F.Jackson).
Best WRs: Death Mutants (Fitzgerald, A.Johnson, Avery, Marshall, Morgan); United Loonies (Wayne, Bowe, OchoCinqo, Berrian).
Worst WRs: Cornhole Cowboys (D.Jackson, R.Williams, Mason, Schillens, Heyward-Bey); Fog Bank (Boldin, Ginn, Harvin, Britt).
Best TEs: Wraiths (Olsen, Daniels); Buzzards (Witten, Cook).
Worst TEs: Critters (Scheffler, McMichael); Spaz Corps (H.Miller, Boss).
Best Ks: Rapid Molasses (Bironas, K.Brown); Spaz Corps (Kaeding, Tynes).
Worst Ks: Savage Iguanas (Crosby, Hartley); Death Mutants (Gould, Prater).
Best Ds: Cornhole Cowboys (Minnesota, Washington); Death Mutants (New York Giants, Miami).
Worst Ds: Rapid Molasses (New England, San Francisco); United Loonies (Pittsburgh, Detroit).

And now, the teams:

The Favorite

1. Death Mutants (10-2) 1506.7 pts., 94.2 ppg.
Still Stud City. Check out the starters and their Footballguys forecast ranking: QB Peyton Manning (#4), RB Adrian Peterson (#1), RB Steven Jackson (#5), WR Larry Fitzgerald (#2), WR Andre Johnson (#3), TE Antonio Gates (#1), D New York Giants (#3). But there's a bit of a dropoff at kicker (Robbie Gould, #12) and the legendary Death Mutant depth has been whittled away a smidge over the years. Injuries finally caught the long-time champs in 2008, and if the Mutants falter again, a lot of teams are ready to challenge. And we're all preparing our purple #28 voodoo dolls.

The Contenders

2. United Loonies (8-4) 1383.7 pts., 86.5 ppg.
The Loonies came heart-breakingly close to their first title last year. They may have missed their best chance, but they still have a chance to compete if they can get repeat career performances from QB Jay Cutler, RB DeAngelo Williams, RB Frank Gore, WR Reggie Wayne, WR Dwayne Bowe, and the Pittsburgh defense. So to sum up, as long as all of my players have their best year ever, I have a chance!

3. Puking Buzzards (8-4) 1371.8 pts., 85.7 ppg.
Last year's champs are also poised to repeat if the Mutants falter. There's a lot of talent in the starting lineup of the defending champs: QB Philip Rivers, RB Matt Forte, RB LaDanian Tomlinson, WR Roddy White, WR Marques Colsten, TE Jason Witten, and K Adam Vinatieri. But the backups look thin, so it'll take a healthy run to keep the Buzzards in contention. A healthy run sounds kind of unlikely for a team named "The Puking Buzzards."

The Pack

4. Howling Huns (7-5) 1321 pts., 82.6 ppg.
There's a lot of potential on this team with QBs David Garrard and Carson Palmer, RBs Michael Turner, Joseph Addai, and Knowshon Moreno, and WR Steve Smith. If the upside comes in, the Huns could Howl in '09. Astute analysts, however, feel that there are just not enough Carolina Panthers on this team for them to mount a charge.

5. Savage Iguanas (7-5) 1303.1 pts., 81.4 ppg.
QB Tony Romo, RB Brandon Jacobs, and WRs Randy Moss and Calvin Johnson look like contending pieces. But the RB2 committee (Reggie Bush, Fred Taylor, Felix Jones, and Lawrence Maroney) looks like a weakness. If one of those guys steps up, the Iguanas could make a run. Could this be the year that Ron finally wins it all? Will pigs fly? Oh yeah, that's right: this is the year of "swine flu!"

6. Rapid Molasses (6-6) 1279.9 pts., 80 ppg.
The Molasses have some upside with QB Matt Ryan, RB Steve Slaton, WRs Greg Jennings and Eddie Royal, and TE John Carlson. The real question is whether RB Brian Westbrook has a healthy year left. If so, the Molasses could flow rapidly back up the standings. Longtime LSFFL watchers can only guess that the improved drafting means that Stacey's back in charge of the Molasses.

7. Spaz Corps (6-6) 1276 pts., 79.8 ppg.
RB Aaron Rodgers and RB Chris Johnson are two studly building blocks, but the Spaz Corps will need some surprises from RB Larry Johnson, WR Wes Welker, WR Anthony Gonzalez, and TE Heath Miller to compete for the title. Alas, that group looks more likely to hold a "Welcome to 7th Place" party than a victory celebration.

8. Sirenian Sisters (6-6) 1267.8 pts., 79.2 ppg.
The Sisters went the rebuilding route in the draft with the picks of WR Santonio Holmes, WR Hakeem Nicks, RB LeSean McCoy, and TE Brandon Pettigrew. But QB Ben Roethlisberger and their one true stud, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, will need help from the over-the-hill gang of RB Clinton Portis, WR Terrell Owens, and WR T.J. WhosYourMama if they're going to make a run at the title. If you're looking for a veteran fill-in later this year, this might be the place to look, 'cause the betting money says the Sisters' 2009 motto will be "Wait'll Next Year."

9. The Wraiths (5-7) 1255.5 pts., 78.5 ppg.
Stud QB Drew Brees leads an unholy mess. Maybe there's some hope for the future among RB Ryan Grant, RB Ray Rice, rookie RB Beanie Wells, WR Vincent Jackson, WR Antonio Jackson, and TE Greg Olsen, 'cause 2009 looks like a struggle for the Wraiths. This analyst suggests that Ray claim that he drafted from the hot tub with a bottle of chenin blanc. At least that was a good excuse.

10. Custom Critters (5-7) 1249.9 pts., 78.1 ppg.
Stud QB Tom Brady leads an unholier mess. RBs Ronnie Brown and Darren McFadden might surprise, but the rest of this roster looks like the express train to Nowheresville. Rebuilding looms for the Critters. Chris might not need to claim that he drafted from the hot tub, but he should dump this team in it.

The Cellar-Dwellars

11. Fog Bank (2-10) 1202.3 pts., 75.1 ppg.
Welcome back, Chris. Remember when you used to helm titanic juggernauts that crushed the league year after year? Hold those fond memories tight, man. Hold them tight. We drafted you a lot of rookies and young guys. If you had drafted, you probably would have drafted rookies and young guys with talent. Hold those fond memories tight, man. Hold them tight.

12. Cornhole Cowboys (2-10) 1195.6 pts., 74.7 ppg.
Who drafted this mess? There's a lot of upside buried on Paul's roster. Buried deep. Really deep. Really, really deep. I mean mind-bogglingly deep. If the stars align and the pieces all fall in place, it's possible that QB Donovan McNabb, RBs Marshawn Lynch, Willie Parker, and Jonathan Stewart, WRs DeSean Jackson and Roy Williams, TE Dallas Clark, K Nick Folk, and the Minnesota defense could make a run. Too bad it's more likely that everybody get injured and that by Week 3 the team the Cowboys really roll out there looks more like QB Jamarcus Russell, RB Fred Jackson, WR Darrius Heyward-Bey and WR Chaz "Broken Foot" Schilens. Seriously, who drafted Paul a WR with a broken foot? That's cruel, man.


And that's the forecast. As for how it will all turn out this year ... we shall see. It looks a lot closer than ever before, which means that it's going to come down to in-season management for everybody.

So, what's it gonna take for me to get you into this slightly used RB Jamal Lewis (CLE) today? He was only driven to the five-yard line on Sundays by a little old lady from Cuyahoga Falls....

The Dullest Post in the History of the Patio Boat Blog

As many of you know, I have a bit of a habit. Some would call it an addiction. It's not something easy to shake like heroin or crystal meth. It's fantasy sports, especially fantasy baseball. One of the reasons things have been quiet hereabouts the last week or two is that I have been prepping the draft for two teams. One is the keeper-league Adirondack Black Dogs squad that my brother Mike and I co-own. (The link is to our rather dusty old team web site, with real action photos of fantasy baseball.) The other team is my own squad in the HQ Forum Masters League. That league was started up a few years ago by some of the more frequent visitors in the discussion forums at a fantasy baseball web site that Mike and I subscribe to, BaseballHQ.com. In that 15-team league we draft entirely new teams each year, and each year I give my squad a new alliterative waterfowl-based name.

Previous to the eve of the draft we were the Anatidae TBA, and then on the eve of the draft we announced our 2009 team name: the Loony Loons. (Previous team names have included the Miffed Mallards, the Meek Mallards 2.0 (an in-season rebranding after the Miffed Mallards were in 14th place in mid-May), the Dabbler Ducks, and the Wobbly Wigeons. The league itself is the most competitive top-to-bottom league that I've ever played in. It's run as a bit of a public league on the boards there, in that we report on our progress, moves, etc. We're not Tout Wars or LABR one of the other experts-only leagues, but we're pretty close to a AAA equivalent to their major-league game. In fact, several of our league members do get paid to give fantasy baseball advice. All of this means that I take great pride in having done very well in that league since I joined, so well that just today I was called one of the league sharks. Here are the results to date:

2006, Meek Mallards 2.0 - 2nd place
2007, Dabbler Ducks - 1st place
2008, Wobbly Wigeons - 7th place, 1/2-point behind my mortal rival, Old Tom.

My mortal rivalry with Old Tom probably deserves blog posts of its own, but I think you can see how the 2008 year-end results were entirely unsatisfactory and out of keeping with the level of excellence that we expect here at Patio Boat headquarters. Consultants were brought in, experts were grilled, heads rolled, we applied for a government bailout, and in the long run we ended up blaming our problems on CNBC's Jim Cramer. Ultimately, we decided to solve our problems by jettisoning Matt Millen as a role model and hiring Danica McKellar to be our new general manager, a move I hasten to add that was based entirely on her statistical and mathematical expertise.

The HQ Forum Masters 2009 draft was last night. And if you haven't figured it out by now, this is destined to be the dullest post in the history of Patio Boat because for the rest of this post I am going to tell you about the team that I drafted last night. Get used to it folks, for the rest of the season shortstop Elvis Andrus (Tex) is going to be as much a part of the Patio Boat cast of characters as Katie the Beagle. (Though if I start feeding liver snaps to Elvis, I think we can all agree that I will have gone too far in crossing the worlds.)

Worse yet, rather than give you fresh and original thoughts about my team, I'm about to repurpose content. Since it's a bit of a public league, one of the things we do on that site is to give our post-draft thoughts about how the draft went. And so, without further adieu, here is my annual epic opus on how the draft went and what I thought about my players as I rostered them. In all honesty, you're all excused from reading further. Nothing is duller than reading about somebody else's fantasy baseball team. And unless you know your major-league baseball players or at least something about fantasy baseball, all that follows will quickly degenerate into gibberish.

So why is it here? Well, I'm trying to be reasonably representative of what's on my mind hereabouts, and this was what engulfed my mind last night and for much of the days leading up to the draft.

(We do what is called a "serpentine" draft, which means that my draft position was #14 on the odd-numbered rounds and #2 on the even number rounds. In this league we select our draft positions beforehand, which was its own interesting exercise in statistical analysis and which led me to make an unusual move down the slots to the 14th of 15 spots in the first round.)

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The Annual Post-Draft Opus

For the most part this was another "draft for value, trade for need" draft for me, a philosophy that fits well with the #14 slot. I had some things I thought I would pursue, but I didn't plan to force anything. That was just as well because the early disappearance of the reliable and semi-reliable closers made me adjust significantly on the relief-pitching front.

In general, I'm pretty happy with what I brought back from the draft, though there may be a few decisions I wish I could revisit. I'm especially pleased considering that I prepared less for this draft than any of the other HQFM drafts I've been in to date, due to a variety of non-fantasy-baseball-related things. I did, however, get rid of a few "improvements" I made in my rankings for last year's draft, and just more-or-less went back to a simplified version of what I did in 2006-07.

Here's the blow-by-blow (paired, since I was near the turn with just Atavists two picks at the very end between mine):

1.14 Pedroia, Dustin 2B BOS - It sounds as if the abdomen strain should be okay by season's start, and I liked the positional scarcity at 2B. Plus, I felt I could get a good power-hitting bat with my next pick. A bit of a gamble, really, since last year represented his full upside.
2.2 Holliday, Matt LF OAK - I was in a three-way quandry between him, Beltran, and Soriano, and decided to go with a bit of youth and the hope that his skills will translate to the AL at sea level. He felt like a pretty solid building block here, and the most reliable of the options. I thought Beltran had too much downside potential in this slot, but I thought really hard about Soriano. Ultimately, Soriano felt to me like an injury waiting to happen. He'll undoubtedly lead the league in everything this year. Beltran and Soriano went with the next two picks.
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3.14 Peavy, Jake SP SD - Best player on my board, and I thought there was a significant dropoff to the next tier of pitchers. Should be a good anchor for the pitching staff. I had decided in advance that if Santana, Peavy, Halladay, or Sabathia was still on the board at this point, I would probably grab one and concentrate on batters for the next few rounds. Santana, Halladay, and Sabathia were all gone, so I didn't want to leave the best remaining for Avatar at the turn.
4.2 McCann, Brian C ATL - I like to roster two good catchers if I can get them at a decent price. I had rated McCann as my #1 catcher choice, and I liked the value over the replacement pool that he offered here. (Though I must say I was awfully tempted by my favorite Tiger, Curtis Granderson, who went two picks later.)
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5.14 Napoli, Mike C ANA - I thought there was a dropoff to the next tier of catchers and decided to finish off my catcher shopping spree. A pretty risky pick with my #5 pick, though, given that he's coming back from shoulder surgery. This pick feels more risky than a pick at the end of the fifth round should.
6.2 Hunter, Torii CF ANA - Best hitter on the board at this point. Thought about Jermaine Dye or Vernon Wells here.
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7.14 Dye, Jermaine RF CHW - ... and Dye was still there at the bottom of the 7th round. One thing about drafting around the turn is that players very seldom make it back to you once they go on the long walkabout to the other end of the draft and back. This was a pleasant surprise.
8.2 Polanco, Placido 2B DET - Best combination of hitting and positional scarcity on the board at this point. This is the fourth year in a row I've had Polanco at 2B, and each year he's fallen pretty far below where HQ would rate him. Both the Straight Draft Guide and my own rankings put his value up in the 5th round.
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Speaking of OFs I thought about in the 6th round who stuck around, Vernon Wells was still on the board here in the 9th. But I was leary about the fact that he'd already missed a big chunk of ST with a hamstring issue, and that his wrist was acting up. Plus I had already filled three OF slots and thought it was probably time to address some other needs. Wells went to Vino on the autodraft in the 10th round. Man, I was tempted to roster him, but instead decided to start filling in the corner infield.

9.14 Jackson, Conor 1B ARI - I had Carlos Delgado and Carlos Pena queued up for this pick, but they went in the four picks just before me. There was a definite power dropoff to Jackson, but he also has some upside.
10.2 Verlander, Justin SP DET - Oh yeah, pitchers. One thing about Vino's autodraft no show was that it took a ton of the top closers off the board. I didn't like the value proposition of the remaining dregs, while I did like quite a few of the starters still at the top of my board. My original hope was to roster a top starter and a decent closer and fill-in the next seven afterwards. But with the decent closers all gone, this turn was where I decided to punt saves. I was torn a bit between Verlander and Greinke, who I felt were both guys with high upsides and some level of risk. I decided to go with the hometown pick and bet that Verlander's 2009 would resemble his 2007 more than his 2008.
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11.14 Meche, Gil SP KC - Best pitcher left on my board. A pick for reliability over upside.
12.2 DeJesus, David LF KC - Best batter left on my board. A pick for reliability over upside.

Yeah, those two seem kinda boring, but at this point of the draft it often seems to me just a matter of picking up value when and where and how it falls to you.
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13.14 Andrus, Elvis SS TEX - This was the first pick where I really felt that I rolled the dice. At this point I needed some SBs and I needed a shortstop, so I rolled the dice with the 20-year-old rookie instead of going with the safe pick in Jason Bartlett. So I went with Elvis's upside. This pick could turn out okay, or it could come back to bite me. Gambling on upside in the 13th round doesn't seem too bad, though. Bartlett went to Atavist with the next pick. If I get 30+ SBs out of Elvis, it will have worked out. If not, eh, all I passed on was Jason Bartlett. We shall see.
14.2 Kawakami, Kenshin SP ATL - Gambling on the Japanese import. Japanese pitchers have translated well the last few years, and I think HQ's done a good job of projecting them.
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15.14 Guillen, Carlos 3B DET - Best hitter left on my board, and a pleasant hometown pick. I hope he can stay healthy in LF. I like his 2009 prospects a bit more than HQ.
16.2 Kuroda, Hiroki SP LA - Another Japanese import, this one with a successful year of MLB under his belt. I thought he was a good value here.
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17.14 Wheeler, Dan RP TB - At this point, a few of the relief pitchers that I didn't like earlier started to look okay. With several of us likely punting saves, I reckoned that picking up a few saves might be worth some points in the end. Wheeler was the best pitcher I had left on the board, though that value relies on Percival's wheels falling off and Wheeler getting the job.
18.2 Blalock, Hank 1B TEX - I had Blalock and Mora both pretty even going into the turn, so reckoned one of them would come back out the other side. They both did and I decided to roll the dice with Blalock. Power was getting pretty scarce around here and all three of my CIs are pretty speculative. I was pretty tempted to roster both Blalock and Mora, and move one of them to my UT slot. In retrospect, that might have been the right move.
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19.14 Morales, Kendry OF ANA - Nice upside and he should also be able to serve as a Plan B at CI if things go awry there.
20.2 Percival, Troy RP TB - Well, since I already bought the Tampa setup guy and presumable heir apparent when Percival collapses, I reckoned I might as well buy Percival himself and see how many saves I can squeeze out of him before the collapse.
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21.14 Spilborghs, Ryan RF COL - Best overall hitting value left on my board because I couldn't find Felix Pie in the draft room. (I have no idea what went awry, and I tried from pretty much the time I rostered Percival until I was on the clock here, so I decided that somebody must have already drafted him, though I could see no evidence of it.) I probably needed power or SB more than BA, though, so I should've speculated on somebody with upside there like, like ... well, Felix Pie. It wasn't as if there were a lot of good options left here. We were definitely into the Mark Teahens and Luke Scotts of the world. Pie went four picks later to somebody more technically competent than me.
22.2 Devine, Joey RP OAK - I'm sure we all dropped him off our boards because the dreaded phrases "elbow" and "visit to Dr. Andrews". In the 22nd round it seemed worthwhile to see how the visit turns out. If things go bad, he won't be the first 22nd rounder I've cut. He won't be the last.
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23.14 Uehara, Koji RP BAL - The Loony Loons are starting three Japanese pitchers this year. Alert the Japanese papparazzi and add some tempura and some miso soup to the clubhouse banquet. Not sure what, if anything, he has left in the tank at this point in his career, but I am sure I've drafted worse pitchers in the 23rd round.
24.2 Litsch, Jesse SP TOR - Figured I should get a pitcher to put in Devine's place while we await the news on his elbow. Litsch was the best one left on my board, so he's out of the reserves and into the rotation.
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25.14 Griffey, Ken RF SEA - Took a flyer on a leftover possible power source. What does he have left in the tank? How will his declining power in the Cincinnati bandbox translate to the spacious walls of Seattle? Can he stay reasonably healthy at DH? I dunno. But it seemed worth a flyer to see what happens. I'll probably start him in the Spilborghs/UT slot to start the season and see how it goes.

For anybody who made it to this very end of the post. Congratulations, you're awarded the Patio Boat Croix de Candlestick for meritorious blog reading!

Mike and John's Rebuilding Project, and How You Can Help by Drinking Free Beer in Boston!

As many of you know, my brother Mike and I have co-owned a fantasy baseball team for about ten years now. The team is called the Adirondack Black Dogs and they play in Mike's old work league when he was at Brigham & Women's Hospital in Boston. The league is a keeper league in which you keep most of your team from year to year, and it only includes players from the American League. (This works just fine for us, since that includes all of the Red Sox and Tigers.)

The team has been a lot of fun over the years, and gives Mike and I a "virtual project" on which we can work together. If we lived within a thousand miles of one another, our joint project would probably be some money pit like restoring an old boat or car. So, our wives should realize that this baseball team has saved them tens of thousands of dollars over the years.

We've usually done pretty well in our league. We haven't won a title, but we finish in the money most years and have turned a bit of a profit overall. But last year was a disaster. We traded away all of our prospects, draft choices, and decent players to try to make a run at the title, only to have the team completely implode due to injuries over the last six weeks. We finished in fifth place out of 12 teams. Worst yet, we had nothing left to build with for 2009.

(I believe it was George Allen who said, "The future is now!" when he was coach of the Washington Redskins in the 1970s and traded away all of his draft picks for a bunch of the over-the-hill players who all got hurt, thus dooming the Redskins to years of cruddiness. Only now do I realize that perhaps he shouldn't have been my GM role model last year. But since my alternative local GM role model was Matt Millen, I guess I could've done worse, too.)

I won't drag any of you through the details of the team or the names on the roster, except to say that we still have Curtis Granderson, so at least we have one good player left to root for.

This is how those of you who have made it this far through a fantasy sports post can help. Mike and I need to get some new players at our annual player auction in Boston. Alas, neither Mike nor I can make it to Boston for our league auction on Sunday, April 5, from about 1 pm to 6 pm. If any of you reading this aren't too far from Boston, we'd gladly pay your bar and food tab for the afternoon if you would take a cell phone to our league auction and place a few bids for us under direction.

It's a pretty easy gig. Free food and drink for the afternoon for occasionally shouting out phrases like "Two dollars for Bonderman." It helps if you don't mind being laughed at when everybody else in the league points out that Bonderman's arm fell off last year, and that he had a rib removed over the winter. (This is true. He actually had one of his ribs removed so that he could pitch this year. Ugh!)

Ideally, you'd also have a laptop with wireless, so that we can set up a Skype call and chat with you directly during the auction. But a cell phone would do.

Let me know if you read this and are interested in being our bidding proxies. Or if you just want to make fun of us for bidding two bucks on a pitcher who had to have one of his ribs removed this winter. Thanks!