Let's get this confession out of the way: I like predictable entertainment.
For one thing, it's comfortable, especially at the end of a long day. I also enjoy watching artists and writers work within constraints: the sonnet, the three-act play, the Perry Mason one-hour telecast. When you know the genre and where you're going, you can relax and enjoy the ride. We all know that Godzilla is going to stomp Tokyo and waddle back into the sea. But how intricate are the buildings he will destroy? And do we make some new friends along the way?
Given that, it should be no surprise that I have a soft spot for Hallmark Holiday Movies, which are among the most predictable of television productions. Billions of bytes have been spilled detailing the dozen or more repeated plot points in these cozy holiday semi-classics, so you don't need me to do that for you. In any case, after a long, long, long year, I decided that I would fire up my trusty DVR and catch as many of the this year's crop as I could and enjoy some nice, comfy Christmas watching.
Along the way I discovered a few problems:
1. I naively assumed there would be maybe 15 or 20 of them to sort through. Between the regular Hallmark Channel and Hallmark Mysteries & Movies, they put out a mind-boggling forty new Hallmark holiday movies this year. That's a lot of Hallmarking, especially since I didn't intend to start watching until after Thanksgiving.
2. It seems that most of North America's hometown Christmas tree lots / Christmas cookie bakeries / holiday hotels / Christmas ornament factories have already been saved by plucky heroines with dull boyfriends in the big city. With 40 holiday movies to crank out this year, Hallmark has been pushing their plots and settings further afield. Sometimes this works well. Sometimes it does not. The ultimate effect is that the general quality feels all over the place, probably more so than in prior years. (Or maybe my memory of the efforts of prior years are covered in a gauzy holiday haze, and they've always been uneven. That seems entirely likely)
3. Hallmark's efforts to bring a lot more diversity to these productions remains a work in progress. For the most part, this is much improved from the first few years of their efforts, which mostly seemed to consist of making a black guy the mayor of every 99%-white small town in America. A few of the better movies this year were set in black or Asian American families. And this year's Hanukkah entry was also one of the strongest entries.
On the other hand, some of the more inclusive entries were among the weaker efforts. There's a certain bit of representation there, too, since several of the other weak movies this year had big-city white girls going home for Christmas. These movies are proving that they succeed or not based on their merits, not based on the ethnicity of the cast. I applaud the fact that Hallmark is trying to make movies that look more like America. They still have a ways to go, but at least they're trying.
However, there was one particularly irritating fail in Hallmark's move towards racial inclusiveness in these films, and it came in one of their biggest, most hyped movies of the year, A Holiday Spectacular, which revolved around the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes in 1958. In that movie one of the main characters is an African American dancer in the Rockettes in 1958 who apparently started with the Rockettes in the late 1940s. In fact, the Rockettes didn't permit their first black dancer until 1987. (No, I didn't know the date that until I looked it up afterwards, but I had a vague memory of it, and this nagged at me as I watched.)
That character and subplot felt like whitewashing genuine history, instead of representation. I like seeing diversity on screen and in surprising places -- Denzel Washington as MacBeth? Yes! -- but with the emphasis of this production on seeming historic authenticity, this felt dishonest about what America was really like in the 1950s -- misrepresentation instead of representation.
So, kudos to Hallmark for continuing to work on inclusiveness. I get what they were trying to do there. But there's more work to be done. There's also a lot more to be said and written on the topic. It's a continuing microcosm of America's "three steps forward, two steps back" progress on racial equality.
As for the movies themselves? My reviews are below in alphabetical order. My favorite by far was Ghosts of Christmas Always, an entirely surprising and fun mash-up of "A Christmas Carol" and a Hallmark Holiday movie plot. Several of the other best movies of the year also involved mash-ups or remakes or winks at the well-worn Hallmark movie trope. My runner up for the best is probably Three Wise Men and a Baby, a Christmas remake of Three Men and a Baby that wrung a lot of laughs out of classic men-and-baby comedy.
The worst by far was We Wish You a Married Christmas, which consisted of two hours spent with an unpleasant squabbling married couple. I only mention it here as extra warning. Spare yourself. It was awful.
Everything else lay somewhere between. Some good. Some very good. Some bad. Some very bad. Some eh. I don't provide any real plot summaries or other information below, so here's a good listing from the TV Guide channel with plot summaries and stars if you want to know more: Hallmark Christmas Movie Calendar 2022: The Full Schedule.
My Rankings
Grinch - Avoid at all costs.
* Ugh. Not good.
** Eh, what did you expect? It's a Hallmark holiday movie
*** Genuinely entertaining
**** Wow! Go out of your way to watch this next year!
#Xmas **
Another classic Hallmark trope: totally botching how social media works in real life. Better than I expected, especially after a weak start and setup. But still dubious.
All Saints Christmas ***
Pop singer and a fake engagement. The plot summary made me think it would be terrible, but the whole movie was fun. Well worth a watch. Special kudos for the ridiculous computer-generated snowflakes falling at the end in Louisiana.
A Big Fat Family Christmas ***
Reluctant daughter and a big family party in San Francisco. Another one that beat my expectations, mostly due to likeable turns by the lead actors, as well as Tia Carrera chewing up scenery as the Mom and a lot of very good location shots of SF.
Christmas at the Golden Dragon ***
Family Chinese restaurant closing. This one grew on me as it went along. The cast was good and the whole thing had a lot of heart, plus yummy Chinese food.
Christmas Bedtime Stories *
Widowed mother. This one probably deserves an "Incomplete" from me because I turned it off after 15 minutes or so. On the other hand, the dismal 5.0/10 IMDB rating and the terrible plot twist at the end mentioned as a spoiler in several user reviews tell me that my instincts were 100% correct here.
Christmas Class Reunion **
Disastrous reunion 15 years after graduation. Pretty likeable. Pretty fun to watch. Pretty predictable. Might've deserved a third star from me, but didn't quite make it.
A Christmas Cookie Catastrophe **
I wanted to like this one more than I did. I like Rachel Boston. I like a good Christmas mystery. And I love rescuing the family Christmas cookie biz. But it just never really developed a spark. Sigh.
A Cozy Christmas Inn ***
Another one right in the old-school Hallmark tradition. Small-town girl goes home for the holidays.
A Fabled Holiday **
Unlikely couple stuck in a possibly mythical village. I expected more out of this one. I like Brooke D'Orsay as a lead actress and I like when they work some genuine mythological angle into these movies. But it never quite flew.
Five More Minutes: Moments Like These **
Five minutes later you're going to have to look it up on IMDB to remember what it was about or who was in it. Totally forgettable.
Ghosts of Christmas Always ****
Amazing. They took the two most overused holiday clichés -- "A Christmas Carol" and the Hallmark Christmas movie -- and made something that felt new and unpredictable. Special kudos for fresh performances from the leads and the supporting cast. Absolutely the best of these that I saw this year and totally rewatchable. Just perfect as it is.
The Gift of Peace ***
There are so many widows and widowers wandering around these movies that a genuine look at mourning and resulting loss of faith felt like a breath of fresh air. I liked this one much more than I expected to.
Hanukkah on Rye ***
"The Shop Around the Corner" aka "You've Got Mail" but with Jewish delis and a Hanukkah theme. We all know where this one is going, but the leads are so likeable in the roles that it's fun to take the ride with them.
Haul Out the Holly ***
Lacey Chabert makes fun of the movie she's in. I liked this one more than it probably deserved, mostly because it was so goofy. It's basically one big wink at the entire format, and manages to have a lot of fun along the way.
Holiday Heritage (Didn't see)
I was pretty burned out on all of these by the time this one came up in my watching. I let the predictable-sounding plot and the weak 5.9/10 IMDB rating make the call. Maybe I'll give it a try if it comes up in the Christmas in July Hallmark marathon. Maybe not.
The Holiday Sitter **
On the one hand, kudos to Hallmark for including a movie with a romance between two gay men. On the other hand, they made them the blandest characters in the blandest movie imaginable, an uninvolving two hours you will entirely forget afterwards.
A Holiday Spectacular **
An unusual history spectacle for Hallmark with a substantial production budget featuring the Rockettes. This one was generally a lot of fun and worth a watch. But to do that you also need to set aside the disappointing whitewashing of Rockette history that I mention up in the introduction.
The Holiday Stocking (Incomplete)
I wasn't feeling the new-angel plot, so I stopped watching after about 10 or 15 minutes. The 6.9/10 IMDB rating says that it deserved better from me. So be it. Watch it yourself and tell me if I was wrong.
In Merry Measure ***
Battling Christmas singing groups in a high-school contest. Another one that was better than I expected from the plot summary, probably because I expected a lot more squabbling but they got past that part of the plot quickly. Bonus points for fun Christmas music performances.
Inventing the Christmas Prince **
Starts terribly, gets watchable for a while in the middle, ends with a dubious deux ex machina. Ultimately the whole thing felt like a two-hour HR training session highlighting what not to do in the workplace. I wanted to like this one more than I did, especially because lead actress Tamera Mowry-Housley was good in her role as a rocket scientist.
Jolly Good Christmas **
Romance finds a personal gift-buyer in London. This would've been just fine if they'd let the lead actor use his own accent. Instead he does a terrible American accent that is awful to the point of distraction. Would've been three stars if they just let the British actor be British.
A Kismet Christmas **
Magic cookies and a nice girl comes home. Good, but forgettable.
Lights, Camera, Christmas! ***
A Hallmark movie about making a Hallmark movie. This one had fun by being a bit meta about the whole Hallmark holiday movie phenomenon.
Long Lost Christmas ***
Looking for long-lost family. Predictable, but everybody in it is so likeable that I gave it a third star, which it probably doesn't deserve.
A Magical Christmas Village **
A pleasant two hours of predictability as every classic plot point plays out in a toy village first.
A Maple Valley Christmas **
Our heroine tries to save the family maple syrup biz. Likeable leads, reliable plot … there might've been a good movie buried in here somewhere, but it all felt a bit tired.
The Most Colorful Time of the Year *
Crazy stalker eye doctor forces experimental cure for color blindness on teacher in denial about his color blindness. Likeable enough on the surface, but there are so many doctor-patient boundaries being crossed here that the whole thing gets a creepy vibe.
My Southern Family Christmas **
Heroine investigates her long lost family in the bayou under false pretenses. Likeable, good performances, classic Hallmark plot. So why didn't I give it a third star? I'm not sure. Maybe it's ultimately the needless deception that fuels the plot. In any case I don't feel compelled to watch it again or recommend that you go out of your way to watch it. So two stars it is.
Noel Next Door ***
Single Mom renews the spirit of Christmas in the neighborhood grouch and finds romance. The first new one of the 2022 season, this was a nice kickoff right in the old Hallmark cliché slot.
Our Italian Christmas Memories **
A commendable effort to bring in a genuine real-world problem, eldercare and dementia. And it had some pretty good performances. But not great, either. A lesser critic would now call the ultimate result as forgettable as grandma's pasta sauce recipe. Fortunately for us all, I'm not that critic.
A Royal Corgi Christmas **
The Corgis are cuter than the rest of the movie, which involves a dog trainer and a dissolute prince. More Corgis would have helped this one. Like, a lot more Corgis. Really, just re-run the Corgi race towards the end for two hours. Alas, that this was the one I saved to watch with my niece Stella, purely based on the Corgi-ness of it all. I should've inflicted a better movie on her.
The Royal Nanny ***
An MI5 agent goes undercover as a nanny. Completely ridiculous, but inexplicably fun. The fun factor makes it an easy watch, probably because nobody involved in this thing takes the mash-up of Hallmark Christmas "royal" movie with an action flick very seriously. Instead they're all just having fun with the tropes.
A Tale of Two Christmases (Didn't See)
I somehow missed this one. The 5.6/10 IMDB ranking says that may have been for the best.
Three Wise Men and a Baby ****
I was pretty skeptical, but this ludicrous remix of "Three Men and a Baby" was so likeable and occasionally laugh-out-loud funny that it was genuinely one of the best ones this year.
Time for Him to Come Home for Christmas **
On the one hand, a pretty entertaining entry. On the other hand, I got "creepy stalker" vibes off the phone message that serves as the McGuffin. Maybe I'm just being too cynical about it, but I guess it's sort of one star if you get creeped out by the message, but three stars if you're fine with the heroine dropping everything to track down the intended recipient. All of that averages out to two stars, so here we are.
'Twas the Night Before Christmas ***
Who really wrote the famous Christmas poem? This one was genuinely good fun and again a place where Hallmark injected a surprising lift into their formula by bringing in another overused Christmas staple.
Undercover Holiday (Didn't see)
Eh, I dunno. The plot looks terrible and the low 5.4/10 rating on IMDB seems to concur. This one is still on my DVR. Will I take the plunge? Seems unlikely.
We Need a Little Christmas **
Widowed single mother finds friendship and romance. Another one I wanted to like more than I ultimately did.
We Wish You a Married Christmas [Grinch]
Just terrible. Two unpleasant hours with a squabbling married couple. This was the 2nd of these I watched this season and it almost put me off the project altogether. People need to be warned. I am warning you.
When I Think of Christmas **
Big city lawyer comes home to sing Christmas carols with her ex-boyfriend. For some reason she's supposed to feel bad about being a successful lawyer. Pleasant, but forgettable. How forgettable? I had to look over the IMDB entry a couple of times to remind myself that I really did watch this one. And now that I'm looking back at this list one more time, I still can't remember what this one was about.
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