Back to Our Core Mission

We're sure everybody's enjoyed our lengthy digression into pictures of pretty cars, but it's time for the Patio Boat to get back to one of its core missions**: haiku coverage of the Indianapolis Colts from intrepid girl reporter Mary Campbell-Droze:

Today MC-D reflects on Trent Richardson's reaction to being traded from the terrible Cleveland Browns to the potentially playoff-bound Colts:

*Ring* "Dude.  What ?  REALLY?
W.T.F.!!  Well, with any
Luck, this might not suck."

     --Mary Campbell-Droze

**Other other two core missions of course being:

1) Haiku coverage of Katie the Beagle

2) Other occasional meandering bits of randomness.

A Farewell to (QB) Arms: A Patio Boat Offseason Special

In today's special contribution from our Indianapolis Colts haiku correspondent, Mary Campbell-Droze comes face-to-face with the reality that 17 syllables can not contain her sorrow:

it is momentous,now that you have deemed 

[cf e.e. cummings "it is at moments after i have dreamed" from 'Sonnets-Unrealities,' Tulips & Chimneys)

it is momentous,now that you have deemed
that denver is the apple of your eye,
when(being silly-willy)i had dreamed

coaching indy's where your heart would lie;
momentous when my coltish conscience scolds

the confounding decision that you made
(it involved much cussing)but silence holds
some respite as the news begins to fade;

momentous when your once illustrious arm
throws and with consternation,you then find
that mile-high's cold while lucas was warm:

one thing momentous comes to mind

turning to the colts game on tv
we'll miss your fight for that final mvp.

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Indy Colts Haiku: Post Super-Bowl Wrap-up Edition

In which our intrepid correspondent tries to come to grips that Eli has now won more Super Bowls than Peyton, and wonders what Archie thinks about it all....


Blood Is Thicker Than Gatorade

Interesting con-
versations around the Man-
ning dinner tables.

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Indy Colts Haiku: Conference Championships Edition

... in which our intrepid haiku correspondent consoles herself with the belief that if she blurs her vision a bit when she watches this year's Super Bowl, one goofy-looking QB named Manning wearing a blue-and-white shirt will be just as good as any other.


Super Bowl XLVI At The Petroleum Palace: A Different Man(ning) For The Job

Baby Brudder to
Represent; Captain Comeback
Gets Colts fans' lament.

Indy Colts Haiku: Playoff Bonus

None of you were expecting a Colts haiku during this year's playoffs, since the Colts' record placed them so very far away from the playoff pool. However, our intrepid haiku reporter has discovered one tiny ray of sunshine amid the storm clouds in Indy:

From the If-I-Wash-It-One-More-Time-It-Will-Disintegrate Files

Yes, we dug out our
Harbaugh #4 T-shirt.
Go, Captain Comeback!

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Colts Haiku, the 2011 Week 17 Finale (Plus a Wallace Stevens-esque bonus!)

In which our intrepid Indianapolis Colts haiku correspondent shows that she still had plenty more ways to describe the awfulness of this season, despite the fact that the Colts have (mercifully) run out of games:

Et tu, Irsay?

Oh, boo hoo! Last one
Not wearing a bloody to-
ga's a rotten egg!

--Mary Campbell-Droze


Mary has also taken the opportunity to address the future of the Colts, now that they have secured the #1 draft pick with their successful "Suck for Luck" campaign. This time she needed considerably more than 17 syllables, plus the assistance of one of the Patio Boat's other favorite poets:

The Emperor of Passing Offense
(With Apologies to Wallace Stevens)

Call the holder of big huge stats,
The messed-up-neck one, and bid him tip
His hat and bow with prized but humble words.
Let the benches offer up the best
As they have used to bear, and let new Luck
Send footballs past next season's tacklers.
Let this be finale supreme.
The only emperor is the emperor named Manning.

Take from the Petroleum Palace
Lacking a 5th MVP, that QB
On which we'd pinned two Super Bowls once
And dread that we'd no more save face.
If his honored feats conclude, Canton
Will show how many games he won.
Let new Luck address the dream.
The only emperor is the emperor named Manning.

Colts Haiku, Week 16

In which our intrepid haiku correspondent discovers the physical dangers of an unanticipated winning streak...

Probability Theory As Expressed By Wayne Campbell (No Relation)

The Colts win *two* games.
Ow! Ow! Darn these monkeys fly-
ing out of my butt!

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Colts Haiku, Week 15

In which our intrepid Indianapolis Colts haiku correspondent gleefully discovers that her beloved Colts will not have to share the historical ignominity of an 0-16 record, as they finally managed to win a game after 14 weeks of futility.

"All I Want For Christmas Is A Still-Breathing Indianapolis Colts Football Team Franchise"

Rumors are flying
Faster than Santa's reindeer.
Still, Claus delivers!

--Mary Campbell-Droze

The 0-16 disgrace of my beloved 2008 Detroit Lions' still stands alone as the crown jewel atop NFL history's dung heap. The remaining players from the NFL's last perfect team, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, have a tradition of opening a bottle of champagne when the last undefeated team finally gets beaten each season. I propose that in Detroit we should start a similar tradition, but with a fohtie of Mickey's Malt Liquor.

Colts Haiku, Week 14

... in which our once-fearless reporter begins to understand what a season headed to 0-16 really feels like, week in and week out:


"The bitch hit me with a toaster." 
--Bill Murray, 'Scrooged'

The Ghost of Christmas
Present didn't give me one.
Yet to Come brings coal!

--Mary Campbell-Droze


As a Lions fan, I can state authoritatively that by the time we hit 0-13 in 2008, I probably would've chosen the toaster over watching another disaster.

Colts Haiku, Week 13

In which our intrepid Indianapolis Colts haiku correspondent realizes that rooting for an 0-12 team is quite relaxing, now that expectations have fallen lower than a Sergio Aragones bottom-margin cartoon:


If Bill Gaines Ran A Football Team And Al Jaffee Did The Playbook As A Fold-In

At this point, I take
My cue from Alfred E. Neu-
man: "What, Me Worry?"

--Mary Campbell-Droze

As for the Lions debacle this week on Sunday Night Football, it was like a bizarre episode of Spy Vs. Spy in which the Black Spy stands there quietly while the White Spy commits a dozen incredibly stupid penalties then implodes in a giant fireball.

Stupid Lions.

Indianapolis Colts Haiku, Week 12 (plus two bonus haiku!)

Week 12: in which our intrepid Colts correspondent conveys the pathetic feelings of a Colts fan just sort of hoping they might beat the spread this week:

The 'Suck For Luck' Strategy: One Long Season of Footballus Interruptus

"Hey wow, look! Wait...no.
Ha! It's there! It's---uh, oh well.
Yes! Yes! Go! Go! Crap!!"

--Mary Campbell-Droze

In keeping with Patio Boat's business model, which continues to be "copying and pasting other people's haiku for the revolutionary price of FREE" we also present these 17 syllables of birthday well wishes from Ryan Claytor, which reflect so well the core values of the Patio Boat blog (apart from rubbing Katie the Beagle's belly, of course, which remains our most important mission):

Birthday Haiku:

It's John Magee Day!
Time for Colts, Rugby, and Cars.
... Enjoy your home brew!

--Ryan Claytor

This does, however, remind me to point out to the general audience that MC-D has the Patio Boat's complete and total Indianapolis Colts monopoly.  I already suffered an 0-16 with the Lions, and see no need to transfer any allegiance to the sinking ship from Peytonville.

And so I in celebration of the Lions recent return to their earlier won-loss habits, I present this extra bonus Lions haiku, in which I would like to point out that Oakland Raiders great Ted Hendricks was not a role model.

Lions, Week 12: The Thanksgiving Turkey

Ndamakong Suh:
"Kick 'em in the head, Ted" was
Not a coaching point.

--John Magee

Colts Haiku: Week 11

Yes, it's late.  But don't blame our intrepid correspondent, who continues to carry on bravely. This time it was Patio Boat headquarters that was asleep at the switch, lulled into thanksful unconsciousness by thoughts of L-tryptophan past, present, future, and pigskin...


What Is The Sound Of One Fan Napping?

If the Colts have a
Bye in a losing season,
Can anyone tell?

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Colts Haiku, Week 10

In which the Colts' 0-10 record drives our intrepid Indianapolis Colts haiku correspondent around the bend.  She goes happily, skipping sweetly, her blonde pigtails dancing erratically behind her like a Curtis Painter third-down pass....


Vultures Don't Sing, And Those Look Like Weeds To Me

Hark, the birds sing so
Sweetly this time of year! Oh,
Look! Flowers! Flowers!

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Colts Haiku, Week 9

In which the ongoing disgrace of the winless Colts has led our grief-stricken haiku correspondent to turn her attentions to the head coach of the San Francisco 49ers and the quarterback of the New York Giants.  I can see her problem.  At least we Lions fans had Matt Millen to hold responsible for our ignominy.

Meanwhile, Kaylee the Granddaughter and Katie the Beagle are nowhere to be seen, having long since fled the scene for pursuits less stinky than the Colts, like filling dirty diapers and rolling in goose poop.


Delegated Gratification As Demonstrated By An Ex-Colt And A Sibling

Captain Comeback and
Baby Brudder: this season's
Only source of cheer.

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Indianapolis Colts, Week 8: Halloween-ku

That Round Thing In Our Wins Column Is Not The Great Pumpkin

It's at the door! eek!
It rings the bell! aaigh! It shouts
"LOSING SEASON!" No-o-o-o-o-o-o!!

--Mary Campbell-Droze

Indianapolis Colts Haiku: Week 7

In which our intrepid haiku sports reporter discovers that neither Katie the Beagle nor her granddaughter Kaylee want to appear in a haiku for a team this stinky*, and so she finds a Colts mascot more appropriate to their disastrous season:

The Godzilla Assessment Factor in Football Exploits (GAFFE)

Dudes in rubber mon-
ster suits are more convincing.
C'mon, Colts! REALLY??

--Mary Campbell-Droze


*Katie the Beagle did, however, offer to roll in the 2011 Indianapolis Colts, an honor she reserves for only the most stench-worthy of stinkers.

Colts 2011 Haiku, Week 6, in which our intrepid poet starts to capture the spirit of their winless start to the season

Back from haiku hiatus. This week's offering is accompanied by the evocative intonations of Fleshgod Apocalypse: "The Imposition" from their latest album, 'Agony.'

GRRRRRRRRRCOLTSSUCK!COLTSSUCK!
GAAAAAAAAATHEYREALLYREALLYSUCK!
DOOOOOOOOMFORANDREWLUUUUUUCK!

 --Mary Campbell-Droze

 

Colts 2011 Haiku, Week 5, in which I make that case that "Coltish" may soon replace "Lionesque" as the preferred NFL term for "hopeless ineptitude."

Mary Campbell-Droze has been excused from her haiku duties this week, and so I have come off the bench and taken on the task in her absence.  I can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that she is away at Stanford practices, scouting potential #1 2012 draft pick QB Andrew Luck.

Colts 2011, Week 5

Colts now oh-and-five.
Vague signs of life from Painter.
Kaylee, Katie: "Yawn."

--John Magee

MC-D Eschews the Haiku Format in Week 4. (Just like the Colts eschew wins.)

Due to recent complaints by the establishment that Colts content has been lacking, I will make up for it in one fell swoop.  I give you the Anti-Haiku: the '70s lyric.

A Painter-ly Paean
[sung to the tune of that song by America]

Well you tried to win it Monday
But once again you clenched
So you sigh and look to Sunday
Was it better on the bench?
You're not ready to be Peyton
But instead you'll have to do
Since we all agree: this season will be poo

Well we got so hopeful for you
Mister Golden Hair---surprised?
And we'd be much worse without you
(You're not Sorgi in disguise!)
We've got a fairly decent Defense
But a crap Offensive line
And this likely won't be remedied in time

Do we need to go no-huddle?
Well you bet your derrière!
Rise above this friggin' muddle
Just show us you've got a pair!
We can't duck it---
We're Indy fans; we don't say "Chuck it"

Next up: an ode to Kerry Collins, "Suite: Kerry Blue Eyes" (or "Cross-Eyes" if the poor dear is still concussed).

--Mary Campbell-Droze

MC-D's Indianapolis Colts Haiku, Week 3

D and Addai: Indy's Dynamic Dyad; Kaylee Becomes a Cowabunga Keiki 

Colts look better!
Kate Agrees. The grands take Kaylee
On her first beach trip.

--Mary Campbell-Droze

At this point I would be remiss if I didn't note that the quantity of Indianapolis Colts content in the haikus themself seems to be falling in direct inverse proportion to the number of losses they are piling up.  (On the bright side for Mary, Peyton looked good up in the press box last night.  At least he wasn't wearing a cervical collar!)