The Deepwater Kibbitzer Disaster

Because I always try to be constructive, I thought I might pass along a few constructive suggestions I made on Facebook earlier this week for plugging the Deepwater Horizon undersea well blowout, just in case the current plan ("The Top Kill") doesn't work out:

-- I get the feeling that BP has absolutely no idea how to stop their giant offshore leak. At this point I expect to hear, "This week we're going to try the Ham Sandwich, in which we try to plug this thing with several loafs of bread, a nice smoked ham, and some swiss cheese." Or, "The next plan is the Facebook Plug, in which we try to decrease the productivity of the leak by signing it up for Facebook."

-- And yes, I have backup plans beyond those two. I'm especially fond of the one I like to call The Very Large Wooden Badger.

-- I think we better start coming up with a backup plan to that Ham Sandwich plan. What about this? We make an enormous double-decker Reuben...

-- If the double-decker Reuben falls through -- and BP can't book the ShamWow guy -- I'd guess the next suggestion from BP will be a little thing they like to call "Penguin-Mania!"

-- While we await more failed "plans" from BP, can we all at least agree not to buy any more of their gas until they fix the damned leak? (I used the quotes around "plans" because, seriously, calling some of the hair-brained schemes they've floated "plans" is an insult to plans worldwide. What's next, shoving a Giant Turnip down the pipe?)

And you thought the last post didn't contain much...

Okay, I didn't get around to photoblogging all of my walking tour of the Minneapolis mill district by the Mississippi. Um, so how about one random photo from Minneapolis in the meantime?

What? Not enough?!

Okay, here's a picture of an alert beagle. Enjoy!

Hello, Blogosphere. It's been a busy couple o'weeks...

No, Blogosphere, I didn't forget you. It's just that I've been kinda busy the last couple of weeks. You see, I was off last weekend at the annual American Society for Indexing conference in Minneapolis. Yes, Blogosphere, that's the one that my mother once called "The most boring conference ever," after she looked at the list of sessions and workshops.

I did, however, have quite a good time at the ASI conference. Alas, that I only seem to make it once every four years because I always learn new and interesting things, and it's always a good recharge of the ol' indexing batteries to spend a few days around people who take the organization of information seriously. Honestly, so few people genuinely understand what I do professionally that it's just a relief to spend three days not explaining it to people. Or, as I said on a Facebook post last weekend: "I just heard somebody use the word 'polyhierarchical' in casual conversation. Nobody batted an eye. These are my people."

(Now that I think about it, though, I did spend a lot of my weekend explaining indexing. You see, we shared the Minneapolis Marriott with this big series of organizational meetings for some Army and National Guard training exercises, and some of the Army folks were bemused to discover that such a thing as "indexers" existed. You would not believe how much computer-generated camouflage clothing I spent my time with last weekend. I felt I had been embedded somewhere overseas.)

Interesting co-hotel tidbits aside, I had a couple of very nice evenings with friends old and new, picked up a few nifty Cindex tricks, and took a very nifty walking tour of the falls and the Mill district, which I shall try to immortalize in a photoblog entry this weekend.

Yes, I had a very good and full three days in Minneapolis. But it was a long drive out and a long drive back. And other than that I was scrambling last week to wrap up enough loose ends to go to the ASI conference, and this week I've been scrambling to catch up with everything that didn't get done whilst I was away with the indexing elite.

And really, Blogosphere, do you want the administrivial details of my past few days? I think not. I could report on the K12 primary portal indexing XML extract format, the APG pre-publication capital allocation timecards, and the introduction of the village's new revisions to the electrical code compliance building ordinance. But I rather suspect the The Blogosphere doesn't care.

Thus, instead of typing more, I think I shall enjoy a nice Manhattan, turn on the ballgame, and kick back on a rainy Friday night in Wolverine Lake.

Oh, what's that you say, Blogosphere? You want at least one photo from Minneapolis?

Okay, here I am with the ever-spunky Mary Tyler Moore. Enjoy!

My Beagle, My Welcome Wagon

After a long trip,
Petting the beagle's soft ears
Feels like, "Welcome home."

The Empire Strikes Doggerel

Esteemed film critic Mary Campbell-Droze kicked off the Summer Blockbuster Sequel season with this tribute on the 30th anniversary of the release of one of the great sequels of yore. Naturally, my response follows....

From: Campbell-Droze, Mary
Subject: The Sequel With No Equal: 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Imperial troops have entered the theater! Imperial troops have ent---BXXXXXXTT

Holy tauntaun! Where to begin?
Just look at the state the Rebellion's in
With rumors circling 'bout who is kin;
The Empire comes out swinging!

So much at once grabs our attention:
Wampas! Walkers! And not to mention
Space slugs enhancing sexual tension
And Scoundrel-Princess clinging!

But never mind Han as Leia's lover,
There's YODA! [cue Weird Al's great Kinks cover]
Who over all will sagely hover,
And speak with strange phrase-stringing!

All hail the Emperor (Ian---Great Scot!
Clive's better in 'Hell House', is he not?),
But boy, Darth Vader: he's just got
To stop all that neck-wringing!

Then...Lando! Lobot! Carbonite!
Luke's duke is severed in a fight
Against---his DAD?! Whoa! Cripes! What might
George Lucas next be bringing??

Till then, the Sibling Smooch debate
And "Hăn" or "Hān" start while we wait,
While Boba Fett becomes a great
Tool for future marketing!

But after 'Empire', 'Jedi' 'd be
The weakest of the trilogy---
Sheesh! I'd just as soon kiss that Wookiee!
(And the prequels? Gaah! I'm cringing!)

----------------------------------------------

From: Magee, John
Subject: RE: The Sequel With No Equal: 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Han in a block of carbomite?
Luke lost his hand in the big fight?
And Vader's his dad?! That can't be right!!

But one thing was cruel and much too mean,
As cold as a the ice planet Tatooine,
This thing I heard after Empire's final scene.

I nearly cried angst-ridden tears
When it fell upon my youthful ears:
"You'll find out what's next in just three years."

Contemplating Stress Reduction Techniques

As I sat there yet again in physical therapy a couple of years ago, contemplating my arthritic knee, I came to the realization that although collision sports had provided me with an excellent source of stress reduction for nearly 30 years, they were no longer a sustainable stress outlet. I concluded that it might be time to find an alternative source of stress reduction.

As I stood on my bathroom scale this morning, contemplating my ever-increasing weight, I came to the realization that although eating too much and sitting on my ever-increasing tush watching TV and getting enormously fat has provided me with an excellent alternative source of stress reduction for the last two years, it might also no longer be a sustainable stress outlet.

It might be time to go back to stress-reduction techniques that don't put me on a collision course with 300 pounds.

And so, instead of blogging any further, I think I will shut down the computer, drive home from work, and take the beagle for a nice walk.

Well, other than an obsession with rabbits instead of Justin Bieber...

She sleeps all morning,
Then pigs out. Our beagle is
Like a teenager.