The Empire Strikes Doggerel

Esteemed film critic Mary Campbell-Droze kicked off the Summer Blockbuster Sequel season with this tribute on the 30th anniversary of the release of one of the great sequels of yore. Naturally, my response follows....

From: Campbell-Droze, Mary
Subject: The Sequel With No Equal: 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Imperial troops have entered the theater! Imperial troops have ent---BXXXXXXTT

Holy tauntaun! Where to begin?
Just look at the state the Rebellion's in
With rumors circling 'bout who is kin;
The Empire comes out swinging!

So much at once grabs our attention:
Wampas! Walkers! And not to mention
Space slugs enhancing sexual tension
And Scoundrel-Princess clinging!

But never mind Han as Leia's lover,
There's YODA! [cue Weird Al's great Kinks cover]
Who over all will sagely hover,
And speak with strange phrase-stringing!

All hail the Emperor (Ian---Great Scot!
Clive's better in 'Hell House', is he not?),
But boy, Darth Vader: he's just got
To stop all that neck-wringing!

Then...Lando! Lobot! Carbonite!
Luke's duke is severed in a fight
Against---his DAD?! Whoa! Cripes! What might
George Lucas next be bringing??

Till then, the Sibling Smooch debate
And "Hăn" or "Hān" start while we wait,
While Boba Fett becomes a great
Tool for future marketing!

But after 'Empire', 'Jedi' 'd be
The weakest of the trilogy---
Sheesh! I'd just as soon kiss that Wookiee!
(And the prequels? Gaah! I'm cringing!)

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From: Magee, John
Subject: RE: The Sequel With No Equal: 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Han in a block of carbomite?
Luke lost his hand in the big fight?
And Vader's his dad?! That can't be right!!

But one thing was cruel and much too mean,
As cold as a the ice planet Tatooine,
This thing I heard after Empire's final scene.

I nearly cried angst-ridden tears
When it fell upon my youthful ears:
"You'll find out what's next in just three years."